YTT–Day 8.

He said, “look how you feel.” So we did. It’s 8:45pm and we have an hour and 15 minutes to go for the day. Tuesday is our crazy, long-ass day.

Update: On one hand I am so excited! Laura, I think I when I get back I’ll be ready to start teaching you yoga! 😀 This particular style of yoga is extremely persnickety and intentional about the placement, execution, and use of each muscle, tendon, and spinal alignment. When someone voiced last week that they thought the first week was just to teach us that we know nothing, our instructor said, “It is…but we can’t advertise that.”

So we’re now learning. The correct way. 😉 This “way” is pretty intense…kind of annoying and extremely effective. 

Currently, I’m so tired I feel slightly drunk. My friends are lying next to me playing boggle…so atleast I can always count on being entertained. 

J showed up in my savasana tonight. I was peaceful, meditative, and happy…and all of a sudden a text message icon popped up in my brain. It was his name, all five letters, the name only I called him. It was surround by three yellow emoji hearts on each side…just the way it used to be on my phone. “Text message” was splayed out under his name. My heart began to race…and in that mental space I began to question as to whether or not I should open it–unable to decipher reality from my subconscious.

It took a few seconds for me to calm my mind, convince myself not to flee from the room, and marinate on the fact that…it wasn’t real. There was no literal message, but I was well informed on how much he is still messing around in my psyche. The emotional message was loud and clear. 

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So…I sat with it for the evening, thoroughly disturbed by his intrusion. And enjoyed the most inspiring video we have yet to see. It reminded me of a few truths my emotions had clouded in the past few days.

_This journey is exactly what it needs to be. It is what I need it to be. It may be more of a grief and processing trip than an explosions in the sky, energetic, fun and games trip. And that is okay. And good.

_I came here to learn…not massage my ego. (Which is good because my ego is being crushed on the reg.) This practice is not about beauty and body or pose perfection. In fact…that’s quite the antithesis. Remember that.

_The reason I have been wanting to avoid my mat recently is because I know that when I get on my mat all of my emotions–the shame, ego, “you’re not good enough or capable” voice–will all come up flailing. And that’s okay. They need to be let out. I’m allowed to let them go. I do not have to be afraid to confront them. In truth, they want to flee.

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I’m going to bed tonight in a much different place than I woke up in. I wonder if you might need to hear that where you are is good and okay and…just like I said yesterday…exactly where you need to be?

Breathe. Let it go. 

I think I will. It’s time to open up…and move forward. 

One downward facing dog at a time. 

Love, hugs, and butterfly kisses.

E

See those butterfly smooches? …those are just for you. XX