Your Story is Still Being Penned

“This isn’t over. Your aren’t undone. You aren’t finished. One chapter is over, but another has begun. This isn’t the whole story…”

Words that I needed to convince myself of tonight. 

There is a unique and funny thing about yoga. In the US we practice yoga for the physical benefits, generally, yes? We want to be the next Lululemon ad and balance all our body weight on the tip of a finger because our ego thinks that’s awesome. Because it is, obviously.

What eventually happens though is that when practicing yoga, one has to face him or herself. Fears, doubts, insecurities, faulty beliefs…they all bubble to the surface in any long-term practice. 

Mine have been bubbling a lot lately. Today we practiced inversions and physically I know I can kick up in to handstand. Mentally though…I am not strong enough, good enough, yogi enough, equipped enough, a success enough to be able to do so. Today my friend said, “you can do it but your leg is stopping you. You’re coming out right before you get it.”

The amount of explicit words that seep out of my mouth during these time periods is unbelievable. 😉 Or maybe…probably…completely believable. 

As you know…I’m facing demons while here in Seattle. J has been in my dreams like crazy, showing up only to prove how insignificant I am by ignoring me…in my own dream! His mom and dad have now joined in on the fun. They show up at night and play out hurtful scenarios that are so real I wake up in the morning confused and concerned that they actually took place. 

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There is truth and there is non-truth. The reality and beliefs J and his minions put into my brain are non-truth. The feelings that arise because of this non-truth are, albeit based in lies, completely real to me. They are not truth persay because they are false…but feelings are feelings are feelings. And feelings feel real. Thus, I have been dancing in a cloud of shame the past week. I make a mistake in class, I say something wrong, I do not do something as someone wishes I would…and I break. The harsh words of a cold and calloused; scared and lonely girl come showering down upon me. 

We like to do that sometimes, don’t we? Just lay it on thick…if you feel like the worst person in the world then maybe you’ll feel better, right?

Le sigh.

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Matthew and I were making fun of a video we were watching tonight and he sang, “all you need is love!” I threw my arms up and just as the, ” du du duh duh duhhh” came out I saw us. There in my brain I could see J and I walking out of the church hand in hand to that song. That girl who looks like me is beaming. She catches the eyes of so many beautiful family and friends. I remember we walked out of the church and as we rounded the corner he took my hand and kissed the back of it…just like he always used to. It was my favorite. That girl, who looked like me, who enjoyed that moment would only later realize the look in his eyes was that of a dead man, an emotionally numbed, gone, and checked out soul. 

I shudder.

Tonight, in Seattle, Washington I visited Athens, Georgia. It was a sad and overwhelming trip, but I survived. 

And this is just where I am…in the middle of process. I feel incompetent in so many ways. I feel enough insecurity to fill the Puget Sound. Yet…this is just where I am for today. My story is still being penned. 

Maybe tomorrow more scar tissue will be moved out of the way so that I am more able to embrace the strength of the Savior, the Redeeming Spirit that forgives, loves, and dwells within me. Or maybe that scar tissue will have just busted open wide the wound even further until the bones and reset and the stitches take place. Either way…I’m moving. And trying not to judge the journey. 

Maybe you know what I’m talking about. Maybe you don’t like this space you’re in. Maybe you want to move forward but that requires dealing with something painful. It is okay. You’re here. Be here. Be gracious to yourself. Face the dark…for in facing the dark there is light. We need both. Be deeply kind. And show bigger love. You need it. I need it. The world needs it. 

Your story is still being penned…

“Not I, nor anyone else can travel that road for you.

You must travel it by yourself.

It is not far. It is within reach.

Perhaps you have been on it since you were born, and did not know. 

Perhaps it is everywhere – on water and land.”

{Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass}