why i’m not dating

If you’ve been around NPCC (North Point Community Church) or any of it’s partners for any decent amount of time then you have heard Andy Stanley talk about single people taking a year off from dating.

He notes that this isn’t a whimsical, white-knuckle-it, time to pout and be angry about not dating, but a time to be intentional about who you are instead of intentional about who you are looking for.

August of last year, I proclaimed that I was not dating for an entire year. (In case you missed it, last August I was two months separated from my addict {ex} husband, fighting for life, literally working my ass off, and the most accurate definition of emotionally exhausted (well…and physically too) that you will ever see. With that being said…not dating was a no brainer, obviously. Right? …not for all people. This is especially not obvious for the emotional, the heartbroken, and the misguided codependent. Which I was all things–except misguided. Thank you, Jesus.)

It was a safeguard. In case I decided to be an idiot and convince myself that another shitty relationship would put back together the pieces of my heart.

Clearly, August has come and gone. Would you believe me if I told you that God just blessed that time “off” from dating and I found the perfect man last month and we’re getting married!!? 

I hope you wouldn’t. Because that would make us both idiots.

August has come and gone and here’s the news: 

I’m {still} not dating. 

(Until atleast October 29, 2015, in case you’re wondering. [And, YES, even if THE PERFECT MAN saunters into my life, looking all 6’5”, smoldering eyes, and hipster glasses wearin’ and all (Oh, and Jesus lovin’, in case that wasn’t a given). Even THEN…I’m still not dating.)

And here’s why:

I want to be the person I am looking for is looking for.

I don’t know about you, but the first 26 years of my life afforded me a lot of top notch education on severely dysfunctional, unhealthy relationships. I get an A+ there.

So, as with any education, patterns of behavior, or habits…there is some unlearning to be done.

A few years ago, I would not have believed that the kind of marriage Andy likes to try to convince you is possible is possible.

I only began to put a little bit of faith into this side of our pastor’s teachings once I witnessed with my own two blue eyes that this is, indeed, fact. There are a few (not many, don’t go crazy, but a few) couples that I just want to sit at their feet and learn and study and observe and, for goodness sakes, just BE around to see what it’s like. 

They are awesome. ::High five to you guys, you rock::

I want to be that person…that my 6’5”, smoldering eyes, and hipster glasses wearin’, Jesus lovin’ stud is patiently and passionately looking for. 

I want to secure in the fact that I am a daughter of the King, that I am bathed in love, that love, the love, that gave Jesus over to the cross and raised Him from the dead dwells deep within me. To my toes. 

I want to believe in the goodness of men. To know that men are good and Godly. I want high standards that I’m unwilling to compromise on because I believe that I am worth it because God says I am. 

I want deep patience for myself and my own imperfections that translates into deep patience for another imperfect being.

I want integrity and passion in the things I know I love and full awareness of grace in my life…so that I know what I am and am not looking for and can dole out grace as it’s been poured on me.

I want to know how firmly secure I am in the adoration of my Father that the adoration I receive from a man is BONUS…not the piece that I believe will complete me.

I want to know, I mean really know way down deep to my toes how freaking kick-ass I am and how awesome God made me so that any man who treats me as anything less is an easy “friends” box guy.

I want to know God so wholly and fully so that when I see a ridiculously amazing, Godly man…I am not so jaded or bitter to believe that it’s some kind of prank or practical joke, but am smart enough to jump on it and get on his radar!!!

I’ve been meeting a lot of new {single} people lately…and I’ve come to this conclusion:

People don’t do this enough.

We’re like premie babies jumping into adulthood too soon. Somehow, when we bought into the lie that time was running out, and that marriage is just what you do “next” we stopped our “cooking” process too quickly. We come out of the incubator too soon and carry all of this baggage into our relationships. (Eye roll. Ugh. That’s icky and messy. But not always tragic like mine, but certainly harder than it has to be.)

So, maybe you think I am absolutely crazy.

{You already know that I know that I am and don’t give two flying squirrels what you think. (Yes, I said two flying squirrels. How do you like that!?!)}

But I doubt I am crazy when it comes to this. Maybe you should take a deep look into your own soul and ask yourself…are you the kind of man or woman that the man or woman you are looking for, is looking for?

Hugs, love, and self-awareness my dear ones.

xxxoo

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” 

{Brené Brown}