What They Don’t Tell You About Hot Yoga…until it’s too late

Thoughts from a yogi…reflecting back on one of my first hot yoga classes…maybe you can relate? Enjoy.

[Walking in the front door.] Wow. It’s quiet in here. This is nice. Wait…why is everyone just clicking a ticket and walking in? Crap! Did I forget something!!? I thought I already checked in? Why does everyone have TWO mats? Do I need two mats?

[It’s my turn at the counter…smile…fumble through something that clearly exposes my nerves and novice status.] Well…she probably thinks I’m an idiot.

[Approaches strange booth with a lot of shoes.] ….eeeehhh? Are they going to steal them. Well everyone else is doing it, so I guess that’s fine. [Removes shoes…enters dressing room. Women begin undressing all around me.]

Oh. Wow. Is there a dress code? My Nike capris and t-shirt are going to have to work.

[Enter hot room.] HOLY HELL! I think I just entered hell!! I wanted to sweat not die! This can’t be healthy. Maybe I should just leave before anyone notices...[someone makes eye contact with me and begins walking towards me.]

Crap. Can’t leave now. 

No, me? Nervous? Absolutely not…I hope she’s buying this. What? I have to take my shirt off? Why? Why does she need to see my knees? …Oh…she’s Russian? Why is that relevant? …She’s a strict, harsh, critical Russian…Oh, I get it. Run, Emily, run. 

Why are they warning me? I don’t understand…this is just hot yoga, right? Why is she telling me not to worry…that generally implies I need to worry. 

[Glancing around room for an inconspicuous place to put my mat.] …you’re telling me I have to be in the back row. It’s a rule? I mean…I kind of know what I’m doing. I can only be on the front row if I’ve done 20+ classes!!? Well that’s crap. And rude. What if I wanted to be on the front row? [Sulks to back of the room where my mat is clearly labelled with “NOT advanced.”

[Enter instructor.] Did she just turn the heat up? Tell me it’s not going to get hotter? I mean my boobs and butt are already swimming. We will turn this place into an ocean if she turns it up.

[Class begins.] Breathe…Breathe…In through nose…and out. What is that sound? Did Darth Vader just enter the room? Seriously what is that? The return of the locusts? …oh, that’s what she wants me to do? I don’t think I can do that…I can’t even take a “full” breath…I think I’m going to hyperventilate. The room is spinning. Emily, you’re going to be fine. Breathe. Keep your eyes open.

[Class continues…down dog.] Holy Crap! I thought I could do downward facing dog! It’s like that girl just gained a foot of body! How did she elongate that much? She must be related to rubber. Is that cellulite on my thighs? No. That can’t be cellulite, I’m in yoga for goodness sakes!

[…forward fold…] Ugh. My feet are dry. I should have gotten a pedicure. Gross. Hope no one notices.

[Some minutes in…] Ok, we’ve been doing this for at least two hours now. This was supposed to be an hour and a half long class, right? [Glances at clock…it’s been 17 minutes.]

Rubber girl is seriously not human. You are absolutely not supposed to be able to put your leg there. And hulk man over there looks like if he takes one more breath his muscles are definitely going to bust through that tanned skin of his. 

I think I’m going to pass out.

I can’t do eagle legs…my legs are like two freaking bars of soap trying to give each other a hug. You’ve got to be kidding me. And no…my arm will not go there. Seriously, what do I look like!? A twizzler? Even twizzlers will eventually snap in half.

Wait…you’re telling me I can’t do this pose. But this one I can actually DO! Did you just call me out in front of the whole class? I’m sorry…I have done yoga before. That’s not kind. How about a simple adjustment, not a call-out in front of the whole class….[retreats to child’s pose.]

Oh my gosh. Did that woman just fart? That was definitely a fart. She tried to cover it up with a cough, but that was definitely a fart. Please don’t smell bad…if my senses are anymore overloaded I will for certain pass out.

Oh, God, please don’t let me fart. Please, God. I can’t fart. She’s already called me out in front of the whole class. I know I can do this shoulder stand, but what if I fart…easy…easy…steady…squeezy. Did you just rhyme in your head for yourself? Focus….slower…[sigh] Okay, made it. Now I just have to get back down.

I think my tank top weighs 30 lbs. Do I smell bad? I think I smell bad. Well…maybe we all smell bad? I’m not sure.

Hulk man is swimming in Lake Michigan. [splat.] Gross! I’m pretty sure that he just splattered sweat all over that girl behind him. Ugh. He wasn’t kidding when he said he needed to be near the door in order to get outside to wring his mats out. 

Ok…I think we’re almost done. Savasana…ah…ok…relaxation time. Wow. The ceiling is cool. I wonder how many little light things they have up there. One…Two…Oh, right…me, close my eyes. She’s talking to me.

Feel the weight of my body getting heavier and heavier…I am letting go of all thoughts and feelings. My body doesn’t feel weightless. My body feels like it’s trying to float on the dead sea. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep my eyes closed all of this sweat is burning my retina. Are we done yet? 

Ah…a cool towel. It smells yummy. Do I say thank you? Or are we supposed to be quiet and just smile? If I smile is that weird? I’ll just lay here and pretend I’m dead.

Someone’s snoring…ahahaha…they’re asleep. I wish I was asleep. I need a nap. I thought this was supposed to be relaxing. I need a shower. At least I think I’ve lost approximately 23.7 lbs. in water weight.

Focus, Emily, concentrate…relax. You’re supposed to be thinking of nothing. Breathe. Ok, I can finally wiggle my toes and “come back,” although I’m not sure that I ever left. Ok…sitting up. Dang maybe I did leave. I think I’m a little woozy. Now we’re going to do a round of what?

What are you saying? Are we chanting? Wait…really? Are we chanting to good or evil people? Are we saying good or bad things? This is weird? I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE SAYING! How does everyone else know what to do? …oh, well…at least it’s over. Namaste.

Run…there has to be a shower around here.

[…And then I fell in love.]