{un}trustworthy?

Today a woman–and by woman I mean a friend whom I was helping out, not a random stranger on the skreet–handed me her American Express card, military id, a list of errands to run and walked me out the door. She chimed as I left, “don’t lose my military id!” 

I chuckled to myself as I thought, “you just gave me your American Express credit card and you’re worried about me losing your id?” It wasn’t an absurd statement at all, because if you know me in the slightest you know that I am one billion times more likely to lose someone’s something on accident than intentionally screw someone over. 

But it got me thinking about this idea of trust. I have a lot of responsibilities to manage daily–not the least of them being caring for someone else’s children. I weekly go into other people’s home and spend the night while they are not there. I drive their children to and from places. I take their debit and credit cards and am entrusted with responsibilities of returning them appropriately used.

It wasn’t something I really questioned until last year, this idea of trust.

~~~~~~

“Do you trust me?” a question we have heard hundreds of times in a plethora of different scenarios. I watch my kiddos as they ask me, “are you trustworthy?” daily. They will say things like, “you always say that and then we do this instead!” frustrated by my mindlessness. More often than not though, they don’t ask it verbally. 

Today I was picking my little girl from her dance class and as we were leaving her mom sat her down on the counter. Without hesitation she said, “Emily!” stuck out her arms and leaped into mine. In one fail swoop there she was, attached to my hip. She knows now…after many years…she can trust me.

Last year though, things were different. It wasn’t that I suddenly had a lapse in judgement and character and began doing untrustworthy things…no; I became untrustworthy by association. My husband at the time was putting children in danger, putting my life in danger, stealing from me, stealing from my family, stealing from people I love. Lying. Cheating. Manipulating. 

Completely bizarre. I began to dread my phone ringing as I never knew what new chaos I was going to have to heap up on my shoulders to carry around until I figured out what to do with it.

Trust is something you take for granted until a) someone no longer considers you trustworthy or b) you discover someone you previously believed was trustworthy truly is not.

It’s crushing really because it challenges the relationship to it’s core. If there is no trust, what is there? When you can no longer say, “trust me. I’ve got this.” Eeesh. Everything comes into question, nothing is left untouched when trust is stolen.

Trust is the bedrock upon which all other good things stand. Yes, trusting someone initially is always a risk…like love, faith, hope there is always a risk. But after the trust is broken. How do you repair?

Is there anything more crushing than trust lost? Betrayal?

~~~~~

Life is changing. Time is moving. I can’t help but notice. Another year gone. As I reflect on this time last year my heart aches. This past weekend–a year ago–was what I consider to be the beginning of the heavy unravel of all that I had fought to hold together. The first betrayal that I could not deny. 

And here I am, a year later…same house, same peaceful ambiance, same life-filled children…but not him. They learned to trust me again. They felt betrayed when I couldn’t return to their home because of him. They asked me to not disappear again. Resilient little boogers; I just adore them so. 

Trust…it brings other words to mind like reliable, confidence, faith, honest, effective, integrity. Again, I never realized the power trust held until it was no longer there. If I can no longer believe the words coming out of your mouth then all is lost. It no longer matters how convincing you may be or how desperately I may want to believe that you love, that you mean what you say, the value of your words is lost.

A few years ago, I was at a conference and one of the speakers asked us what were the words we wanted to be known for when he passed away. Basically, what would be our legacy in six words?

Tonight…I add trustworthy to that list. Infallible? Absolutely not. But worthy of your confidence in my words, who I am, and my integrity…damn, if that’s not the supremest of supreme treasures. 

If you can trust me then you will know…that when I say I love you…I mean it with all of my heart. When I say I care madly for what troubles your heart…you won’t doubt for a minute that I am sincere. When I say I’ll be there…your confidence will not waver in my showing. 

That’s important.