This really is it…or might be.

There are a few choice moments in life where you know “this is it.” “This” is one of those moments that will change your life forever. We often think of these times as definitive moments in space where something happened, we made a decision, a decision was made for us, the clock struck midnight, and, for better or worse, in one moment your whole world was forever different. You can’t go back and change it and even if you could, things still wouldn’t be the same. 

We tend to think of these moments as specific, pinpointed spots on the map, but I think we’re wrong. I think that we look back and we decide “that” was it, “that” was the moment when my whole life changed. That moment you jumped, she said yes, they forget to look, he said no, she couldn’t stop, he wasn’t paying attention, she was paying too close attention: you’re defined.

I don’t think it’s that clear though. We live in the gray. I don’t believe there are too many cute little dashes on our time line where we can pin point things so easily. Things go up and down, time pushes us forward, we make decisions that lead us towards “that moment.” 

Remember when we spent a whole month talking about being a twenty-something-year old? I’ve thought a lot about that since then. What being a twenty-something-year-old means…mostly because I am one and Christmas time (or my therapist gene that is not in school) calls for a lot of reflective time. 

This Christmas feels different. It might be because I’m a twenty-something-year-old. It might be because I’m finally feeling as if I’m letting go of the reigns of my life more and more. It might have nothing to do with anything.

Either way…

 Change hangs in the air. Sometimes it feels heavy, like at any moment it might fall and suffocate me. Sometimes it is cool and breezy and invites me to float away on a sail boat to my new life ahead. 

I can’t explain it. It’s inexplicable. 

All I know is that this season beckons me, pulling at my inner child, poking at my immense love for my family and friends, and begging me to love better and bigger, remember more, soak up more, slow down even more, and enjoy the most I ever have. 

I’m on a road…there is a fork up ahead. The sign says, “This is it. I hope you’re ready”

I’m not. I won’t ever be. What lies up ahead is not mine to decide…but the journey, the journey is mine to enjoy.

So I’m doing what any smart girl would do. 

I’m baking more and eating my anticipatory emotions. Okay…well…that might just be the fat girl solution, but…

I am baking with my family. I am singing Christmas carols with that little baby girl I adore so much. I am snuggling with a boy and a pup even more. I am paying attention. I’m listening. I’m remembering that this…this celebration of The Good News, this season where the world came to a fork in the road and God chose the path of freedom, joy, peace, righteousness, purity, forgiveness, and love, “this” is what it really is all about.

Most days my heart feels like it might burst out of my chest. Some days I’m afraid this is literally happening to me. 

But it is good because this moment…this really is it.