…there’s so much to smile about.

Have you ever witnessed transformation happen before your eyes?  I don’t mean seeing a child grow over years, but deep, intense, mind-blowing change that happens so quickly that for a second you believe that instead of something transforming there are two, new, unique beings in front of your eyes?

Well I have.

This week in history was the most horrific week in my life. This week in history I was fighting for my ex-husbands life and barely holding onto my own. I stood between he and my baby brother as they argued over money he had stolen. I ransacked my apartment in a panic to get clothes and “my life” together before he returned home and found me out {read: that I was escaping to safety to make sense of our world}. I was berated by a detective about my delusions about my husband and how I was completely in denial about what he was up to. I left my apartment after his hand went through our bedroom window in desperation to  keep me hostage. And then…a few days later, after he was safely tucked away in rehab, I moved out. This week in history.

This is an anniversary that I never wished to celebrate, but cannot help to acknowledge. The significance of its impact outweighing that of any birthday

Katy Perry has sang the soundtrack to my life for the past couple of years and she has a song on her latest album, Prism, entitled, “It Takes Two.”

On this anniversary of nightmarish events I don’t wish to rehash the past or stir up anger or resentment.

On this anniversary of the end I simply wish to give an apology and express my gratitude. 

I am sorry for not being stronger before. I am sorry for not thinking more of myself to stand up to you sooner. I am sorry for believing your lies and giving you more credit than deserved. I am sorry that I thought I was more, had more power, and could change more than I actually could. 

I am grateful for surviving. I am overwhelmed with joy at the fact that life didn’t end, for you or for myself. I am thankful that–for whatever it is worth–I was somehow given the strength to hold on just long enough and the courage to let go when it was no longer healthy to stay. 

I asked if you’d ever seen transformation right before your very eyes. Well…I have. Some days I look in the mirror and do not recognize myself. The glimmer of the girl I was before only a faint shadow in my eyes. She’s there. I have her scars to prove it. She lives on, but she is not the same. The transformation is deceiving and amazing all at the same time. Deceptive because…maybe you would not know if I did not tell you. Maybe you would believe this is always how it’s been. Maybe you would not believe me. Amazing because…well, here I am. Alive. Living. And loving still. 

Against all odds.

Tonight…a cheers to you. To me. To love. Because…life is nothing without love. Above all, love for self. Love for God. Love for others. We are all united by this great, beautiful love. Life is too short, too chaotic, too complicated to hold on to anything else. 

Love. 

You are magnificent. You are lovely. You are beautiful. You are worthy of good life. You are worthy of joy. You are worthy of being appreciated. Completely. Not taken for granted. Not overlooked, not undermined. 

I’ll be here…to remind you. Always. 

Hug someone you love tight tonight. 

….there’s so much to smile about.

~~~~~~~

“This life is what you make it. No matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends – they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything – they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them – actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soulmate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.” 

― Marilyn Monroe