Musings on all things Sex

do you find this confusing?

Recently I sent out a huge stack of
Andy Stanley’s most recent book “The New Rules for Love Sex &
Dating” to singles, marrieds, friends, leaders, & teenagers
throughout the country.

It was pretty awesome.

In order to do so though, I had to
stand in line at the post office and reacquaint myself with the
entire USPS process. There was a very kind woman who came out from
behind the counter to help me, she showed me the best envelopes, gave
me instructions, and then went on to help others. That was until she
came back and hesitantly peered over my shoulder, “did you write
that book?”

“Oh, no…” chuckles, “my pastor
did. It’s an incredible book! Would you like a copy?”

“OH! No.” Her eyes got really big
and she backed away slowly, “Sure is an interesting title.” And
then she disappeared.

Cue a week and a half later, when I
receive a letter from my baby brother who is away at boot camp. He
berates me for sending him the same book and how embarrassing
it was and how he is definitely not reading it! Ever.

Full
disclosure: My MA is in Marriage and Family therapy and you probably
already know that my specialization is in Christian Sex Therapy…so
I am probably a little different than the general population. I get
that, but here is what I need some help understanding:

We
live in a culture that is drowning
in sexually explicit images. Drowning, I say. So what is it about the
word “sex” being in the title of a book that unnerves people so
much?

I
see parents allow their children—children–to
play video games and watch movies with half (or more) naked women and sexual
explicit language, but ask these same parents to have a conversation simply
defining and explaining what sex is to their children does not happen. It doesn’t even
come close to happening.

Normally,
I would say, “You know…that’s okay. To each his own.”

But
in this particular case, 

it is not okay. 

If you are not willing to
openly talk about sex & all things related (in appropriate
settings with healthy boundaries) then you are first and foremost
doing yourself a disservice. Not to mention your kids, your spouses,
your dating partners, etc. as well.

For
example, ladies, are you talking about what it means to be a sexual
being as a single person? Or what it means to be a sexual being as a
married woman? Are you talking about masturbation and pornography and
what to do with them? Are you talking with your girlfriends, (guys,
your guy friends), your mentors, and your counselors about what to do
with the sexual feelings that you are designed to have?

Because,
here is what is happening if you aren’t:

You
are hiding. 

You are possibly choking off a part of you that is
intended to be alive. You are at risk of losing yourself to shame
because you feel certain feelings or have certain struggles and you
have no one to talk to about them. You are reinforcing, for everyone
around you, that we can’t and don’t talk about sexuality
because…because why exactly?

Why
are we doing this to ourselves?

(Because we’re scared.)

Is
it because we are part of the “church” and historically the
church has done a terrible job of navigating these innate feelings?
Is it because we are so shame-filled already due to cultures
conflicting messages around sex and our own religion’s faulty threats
that we can’t see a way out of the shame and into honest, authentic
conversations about sexual issues?

F: All of the above.

We
are harming our own abilities to be fully alive in our marriages. We
are inadvertently teaching our children that sexuality is dangerous, gross,
shameful, and not to be discussed. Which leads to sneaky behaviors and mischievous, silent exploration. [Which leads to shame. Which leads to compulsive unhealthy behaviors. Which lead to addiction and brokenness.]

But
we need
to be having these conversations. Singles, we need to say, “I am
effing lonely and horny! and there are a lot of options out there that I don’t really
think I am okay with but I don’t know what to do with these
feelings.”(Oh my gosh. I said the “h” word. It’s ok. I called your bluff. You can own it.) Married ladies, you need something that allows you to
connect with that part of you that says, “I am a sexy beast.” (Ok, maybe you don’t think beasts are sexy…maybe sexy mama is more your jam.) You need to connect with that sexual, beautiful, wild and free part of you that is outside of your career demands, the toys, the spit up, and
the meal prep. When I taught dance, there were so many woman who
were—in the world—reserved, quiet, and extremely PC, but when the
doors closed, we turned up the music, and we danced…they found
themselves, fully alive, fully sexy, and fully beautiful. Not because
of any certain way they looked, but because of how they felt
and because they were given permission to feel that way. Men, you
need to be talking with your brothers about porn, the temptation, (the
yoga pants), and the long-lasting, damaging effects of something that
seems so private and harmless. 

(life hack: it’s not private or
harmless.)

We
need each other to be brave about these topics. We need authentic
conversation where we allow our fears to take a back seat and
compassion and understanding to take the wheel.

Otherwise,
it doesn’t matter if you support or actively are against the
stigmatization of woman, human trafficking, or the sexualization of
everything.
If we cannot create compassion-filled, loving conversations around
these topics, we’re all doomed.

{And, no, I am not being dramatic.}

Can we talk more about this? Would you like to read more about how we can begin having these conversations? Shout at me on Facebook to get this party started.