Like a work of art

Something I am discovering: We don’t always take the time to know ourselves. Many times it takes life being thrust upon. It hits us like a tidal wave and we are forced to make a decision: drown or allow this moment to show you your true strength, courage, and integrity. 

It’s a tough decision to make.

What I’ve found it is can seem easier to drown. Drown in dysfunctional patterns. Drown in negativity. Drown in self-loathing. Drown in loathing others. Drown in unhealthy, but comfortable relationships. We know what we know–whether it’s good or bad–until we open our eyes and heart to something bigger…or we are forced to.

I have recently been completely hung up on a song by an artist who occasionally performs at my church, named Dustin Ah Kuoi. So when I’m not listening to Judy Garland’s “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” on repeat…because it’s obviously the most beautiful rendition of that song sung EVER. 

(I mean for real…it is both sad and lovely. Her voice seems to acknowledge both the pain of a year past and beautiful hope for the future to come. But…that’s not up for debate. Moving on…) 

When I am not swallowed by Judy’s voice…Dustin’s has filled my ears. His song “Oh Pain” has touched my heart at it’s very core. Oh his blog he writes that he wanted his album, “to convey sadness, happiness, pain, hope, anguish, questioning and much more.” I’d say he’s done a beautiful job of succeeding just that. This space that brings all of these conflicting, overwhelming emotions together has become quite a familiar place to me and he wrote about it. Imagine that? Weird, eh.

(You can preview his album for yourself here.)

The song, in my humble opinion, puts words to where suffering, surrender, and hope collide. What a beautiful (and ouchie) space that is. He describes pain as a sad song that is “hauntingly comforting” and suffering as a “strange friend.” The disheartening acknowledgement that the sting of agony brings you face-to-face with yourself in a way that “bliss could never do” is something that you only know…once you know. Once you have felt it and then faced it. You cannot know beauty of pain until you have stood (or more likely landed face down) in this space.

Sarah Young writes in “Jesus Calling” the words of Jesus saying to us:

“I have taken you along a path that has highlighted your need for Me: placing you in situations where your strengths were irrelevant and your weaknesses were glaringly evident. Through the aridity of those desert marches, I have drawn you closer and closer to Myself. You have discovered flowers of Peace blossoming in the most desolate places.You have learned to thank Me for hard times and difficult journeys, trusting that through them I accomplish My best work. You have realized that needing Me is the key to knowing Me intimately, which is the gift above all gifts” [emphasis mine].

Y’all I literally laughed out loud when I read that…and then cried. I was just discussing this very antagonist, alluring space with my aunt the other day and our conversation sounded something like this:

“Jesus has been so sweet to meet me where I am at and show me truly he is enough.” “He does that really well.” “He does…but it’s just like uuurggghh…why!!? Thank you for being enough but ::sigh:: ouch.” “I know…it’s just like ahh this hurts, but your enough….but like this? Did we have to discover that like this? But good grief you are good God!!?” We laughed and cried. There aren’t words.

…until there are…

When Dustin cries out [to pain & presumably in pain] the thoughts:

“Could it be that you’re worth the cost

To breathe in deep and bear this cross

I could hide my face but I’d miss the sky

When the dawn appears after the night”

…my heart lurches in my chest knowing that yes, I want to hide. I want to run, but I would miss out on a miracle. A miracle that takes place within my broken, fragile, and disoriented heart.

Here’s what pain has taught me in the past few months about who I am…

I am radiant with beauty. I am fiercely strong. I hold the confidence to move mountains. I am as fragile as a flower petal and as fleeting as the rain. I am not owned by circumstances, relationships, or the opinions of others. I am truly the daughter of the King of the FREAKING universe. The One who carved out the canyons and told the trees where to stand…He made me. I am indisputably loved, adored, and cherished by the one Man (God) who has been the only Man (God) worthy of my confidence…my Father, Jesus, the Creator God. And because of that…I am quirky. I am unique. I have imprinted on the plans of my heart an amazingly beautiful future that is astounding. I mean you and I–we cannot even fathom how incredible my future is!? (Or how amazing your future is!) I have red hair that is beautiful. I have eyes that are blue and sometimes look grey…and that is awesome. I am a girl that loves colors (apparently) and wearing a fuscia skirt with bright blue tights and a striped sweater is totally normal…and awesome. 

I am amazing.

Not because I’ve done anything to spectacular…but because I was created that way. And I hold immeasurable strength and power…because my insides have been scraped from their walls in a very painful process to allow for room (and only room) for the sweet Holy Spirit to abide in me dwell in me and be me–to make me who I am.

 ::ah…that gives me goose bumps::

…but I haven’t been here before, not like this–this stupidly, blindingly humble place where I know I. am. nothing. I. stand. for. nothing. alone.–because there have been too many “distractions” previously I suppose. Enough things to keep those gaping wholes that were crying out at bay.

This song ends like this:

“Oh pain

You carve a hole that’s deep and leaves a prominent scar

But this hollow space

In this fragile heart

Has more room to love like a work of art”

So we (I) have a choice to make today, tomorrow, and the next day. Bury our heads in the sand (along with our hearts where they will be “safe”), stop kicking, fighting, and drown (allowing negativity and despair to be what defines us from this point forward in our lives)…or we can lay down our lives, surrender our hearts, keep them open, our heads up, and hold on tight to the hand of the One who knows best. 

I’m just sayin’…give me Jesus or give me death. With Jesus I find that I am more childlike…I find that I do want to hold His hand, put ribbons in my hair, button up my fanciest dress, top it with my favorite tu-tu, and go skipping! To go dancing and rolling…in the muck, the mud, the sunshine, the rain, on rainbows, in the clouds, through the mountains, or on the sparkling sand.

And that little girl who clasps His hand for dear life…she is protected. She has hope. She can maintain joy throughout the most detrimental destruction. She knows darkness cannot hide from light.

She is beautiful. She is a masterpiece. She…is just like a work of art.