imperfect faith, perfect God

Tonight is one of those pesky nights where I drive home with thoughts swirling in my head, half of a love note already written to you beautiful people, and then I get home and poof. My brain has already clocked out for the evening and gone home. I type and delete, type and delete, and then eventually become so distraught that I just start telling you about how miserable I am. Riveting, right?

Whatever, brain. See if I need you, anyways. 

So…I’ll just fill you in on my brain space. I make no promises for it to be anymore riveting than the previous five sentences. 

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I’ve been pondering fear lately. I received quite a number of messages and comments last week after I wrote about making fear your friend,

Sometimes I dumb things down to make a point. Sometimes I water things down to a fault. Sometimes I need to break things down and I don’t, leaving readers in pure chaos and uncertainty I am sure. 

So after the responses and conversation (which I love, by the way, you guys are so awesome), I decided to sort of dive into fear.

Brene Brown says that, 

So I’m telling you my story of fear with my whole heart. I know, ya’ll. Just breathe. It’s going to get good.

So in the past few weeks I have stopped listening to secular music. (Goodness; don’t I just sound so Christiany with my boycott on “secular” music. Ha! Trust me, I’m not cool enough to be “Christiany.” I am just a dirty, ragamuffin, loved by Jesus.) 

In place of all of the music I usually dance to in my car, while getting ready, and when walking my fur babies…I put podcasts and praise music and more podcasts on. Andy, Joyce, Louie, Ravi….you know, just a few of my great friends. And I listened and cried. On repeat. After collecting and gathering from these brilliant minds…

here is what I want you to hear:

He is not shocked by your little faith or your inconsistency. He is not angry at your “meager” attempts at having a “quiet time”–as defined by who, no one really knows.

My faith is imperfect. 

Just like the rest of me. 

And my guess is that your faith is imperfect too. My guess is that, like the wandering Israelites, you pout and long for the days of slavery where at least you knew the bondage you were in for and were comfortable with the master you were bowing down to (Exodus 16). My guess is that some days, when God asks you to march around a city in order to conquer it (Joshua 6) or–when war is on the horizon–to send all those who are fearful in your army home (Judges 7), you tell God that that doesn’t make sense and that you have no idea what He is doing. 

And we all want to believe that we are not Judas who sent Christ to the cross directly or Peter who went on and on about loving God, yet denied him three times to a young girl the night Jesus was taken away.

We all want better faith than that.

Ouch.

That hurts, I know. It makes me uncomfortable too. But it’s true. And it’s not entirely a bad thing. It was the means to our salvation after all.

But maybe to some degree–all things considered–you fear that if you don’t have the “right” sort of faith, God will stop loving you. Somehow, in the fear drenched mind, you come to the twisted conclusion that the love that sent His Son to die for you, could be cast aside by the mistakes you’ve made, or the bad thoughts you’ve thought, or the weaknesses you can’t shake.

And so then you fear. Fear doing the wrong thing. Fear hurting someone’s feelings. Fear not praying long enough-or, good grief, RIGHT enough. You fear being rejected, turned down, looked over, not appreciated.

And then you come to a stalemate with life, frustrated, small in your own life, and bitter about it.

So let me just tell you something.

When I say that fear isn’t going anywhere…it’s because it is not. The feeling of fear will always come back to nip at your heels. Joyce Meyer says that she believes, “Fear is Satan’s master servant.” Fear is the number one guy to keep you from stepping into God’s purpose for your life.

(Ta-da! Pressure’s off! You already know that at some point you will mess up. No sweat. Just move on.)

Just like God knew what kind of reputation and person Matthew was. Just as He knew Moses stammered and didn’t need to be convinced by Moses of this. Just as He knew that David would commit adultery and murder later in life…He still chose them. He still loved them. He still knew the good they were capable of and how they were going to impact His kingdom with Him. And they are still the stuff of the Bible. The words from which our stories are founded and driven. 

It doesn’t matter what your deal is, what your weakness is, where you’re coming from, and what you think you cannot do.

God can.

Period.

Joyce Meyer says this:

“If God gets in it, it’s going to work to the shock and amazement of everybody! [Maybe even including YOU.]

“God sees what we can be if we get our eyes off of what we’re not and get our eyes on him!”

Listen…I hate it when religious people blanket Jesus over everything in seemingly simple, trite statements. Especially when you’re depressed, or in the middle of living hell and trying to figure out what graceful faith looks like when it feels as if God has brought your life under attack. Y’all. I. get. it.

So don’t get me wrong. I hope that’s not what this sounds like. If it does…then maybe I’ll give you a “10 steps to having perfect faith” next time. 😉

God.

I love you, crazies. Be courageous ones today.