I really like you and I am proud of who you are

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“I really like me and I’m proud of who I am,” a thought I never imagined having skipped through my brain. 

After an emotionally up and down start to my first full week in a new department at my internship, back into the swing of 6am wake up calls, and not returning home until 10pm…well, it certainly wasn’t a predictable thought.

I was leaving my internship. I had just left a group where I had led a lecture on “assertive rights.” (More on that topic later.) It hadn’t been planned. The day before, my case manager had been asked to return a favor by covering this lecture for a coworker. It was only my third full day working with this case manager. I had no idea how she would take my boldness when I volunteered, “I can cover it for you if you’d like. What is it supposed to be about?” Even as the words exited my lips I was surprised to hear myself say them.

Speaking of assertive…this is not something I do. Volunteer to put myself out there, to be vulnerable, when I am clearly already feeling quiet unsure of myself being in a new department, with new people, where no one knows who I am.? I think not, ladies and gents. To top it all off I happened to be wearing ankle pants shrunk to almost capri pants on a day that was hovering around 40 degrees…and capris are against dress code. [Not my finest moment, to say the least.] However…before I could think too hard or analyze my words…there they were: “I can do it.”

Here’s something you need to know: It was today that I put the words to an epiphany I had a month or so ago: I do not have to live life disliking myself, feeling inadequate, and insecure. I am allowed to love who I am. I am allowed to like me. I am allowed to be proud of what I have accomplish. I am allowed to feel comfortable and at ease with my body and my personality. 

WHAAAAAA!!!!?? What is that you say? That is not true? In the society we live in, one must not be allowed to fully accept who they are, all their beauty and imperfections, their flaws and shortcomings, and glorious talents and gifts? You say we must be insecure and only cover that up with fearful timidity or aggressive, “bold,” hostility?

Well, I say, “stick it to the man!!!” Who ever that small, insecure man may be.

Today, I led an awesome lecture with a group of (cognizant) people who are simply trying to live life healthier. Do you ever feel like your life could use a healthy boost? [And no I don’t mean purchasing a treadmill.] Do you ever feel like you could use a lesson or two about how to not scream profanities at every distracted Atlanta driver, or how to start saying “yes” to what meets your needs instead of “yes” to someone else’s needs? Or do you ever just wish you could have a conflict, a disagreement, with someone and actually resolve something? It’s amazing how poorly we are all managing to continue functioning. (This is where I throw magic star dust in the air, butterflies and unicorns appear, and Jeanette–a mermaid-like angel–appears on the clouds with a guitar and we all hug each other and smile…problems solved.)

I digress…the lecture was great. I felt comfortable. I didn’t feel the need to punish myself by being fearful and insecure and worried leading up to the lecture because I felt comfortable with myself enough to have confidence that I could do it.

This may all sound crazy. Maybe you don’t struggle with insecurity. But I have my entire life. (A confession I have already laid out there.) And I probably always will in some ways. But…as I have stepped away from relationships that fed on insecurity, I have discovered the space and freedom to love me for who I am: not a perfect being, which is what I have attempted to be my entire life, failed, and then constantly punished myself for. I am simply imperfect, wonderful me. 

I like to be right. I still sometimes believe that being wrong means “I, as a person” am simply wrong. I can get defensive easily because I don’t want you to find out that I am not perfect. I love yoga. I am not the yogi I want to be. I am me. I am the yogi me on a journey. And I am growing. I think I have time to do everything…so I’m often right on time or late. I am a recovering perfectionist. I am accepting messes for more time for friendship and relaxation. I eat too much sugar. I can be judgmental. I love kids and am a kid. I sing songs–all the time–and sometimes unreasonably loudly (and off pitch ;)). Sometimes I do not stand up for what I want and then I am bitter and resentful towards you because you didn’t know or give me what I want. I stand up for the people I love. I feel bold in defending the people I love. I am overly empathetic sometimes…I cry for homeless people and those animal commercials. I like to jump in puddles. I think that colors (of any combination) make an outfit better. I often compare my body to “bones malones” model bodies and think “I’ll never be beautiful.” I also often look at “bones malones” bodies and think they look sickly and gross. I love imperfections on others and criticize myself for having them sometimes. 

And…that’s just what I can come up with in a few minutes. I am complicated. (Men. Please do not roll your eyes and say this is a womanistic feature. My bff will vouche for the fact that my brain goes a 173 mph and rarely is in on meaningless, purposeless thoughts. Me, as a human is complicated. Not all woman are the same.) I think often. I enjoy words and am constantly formulating them in my brain and using them to dissect, understand, and diagnose situations. That’s just me. I am happy. I am sad. I am “crazy” and “normal.” I am abnormal and weird and awesome. 

I know you’ve heard this before. I don’t mind. I’m going to keep saying it…until it sinks in…

…Insecurity does not have to be your character flaw. It does not have to be your best friend that you feel lost without. It can be the fleeting feeling that keeps you grounded in what is important and what is not; what is truth and what is a lie.

I can’t exactly explain to you how to do this because a part of my liberation has been rescue from a sick relationship. I don’t know what it is for you. Maybe you need to take a cue from a girl in my lecture today and repeat: “I have the right to take pride in my body and define attractiveness in my own terms;” or ” I have the right to say “no,” to make mistakes and be responsible for them, to express my needs, opinions, thoughts, and feelings; or I have the right to be myself and have my own identity. Maybe it’s a change in perspective or a negative relationship. Whatever it is…I beg you to not allow insecurity to steal one more minute of your life. I’ll be writing about this more…until the whole world can look in the mirror and say, 

“I really like you and I am proud of who you are.”