Free to be…

This is my Nana…

Something you need to know about my Nana…she is one of the greatest ladies you will ever meet. She is also a very wise woman. And for as long as I can remember one of her token pieces of advice has been “Emily…just wait until you’re twenty-five. That’s when you’ll really start knowing yourself.” This was always followed by…”I woke up at twenty-five and thought, ‘huh!? This is life…’ and I already had a husband and two kids to feed. {It must be noted that I have a very young family, on both sides. My sister and I have done an impeccable job of breaking that tradition thus far though, considering we’re three and five years past the average nuptial years of our previous generations. This is something both she and I take great pride in. Either way, Nana’s infamous advice was further supported by one of our regulars at Starbucks the other day. What was Triple, Grande, Whole Milk, Latte’s advice you ask? …”No major life decisions until the age of thirty.” 

My lovely response… “WHAT!!? Are you serious? Like none? Not even marriage” (Oh, I can be so eloquent.) 

He proceeded to inform me that marriage should absolutely be held off until age thirty…and concluded with “guys don’t know crap until they’re thirty…oh, but sometime before you get married make sure you move in with the person you want to marry to make sure things go well first.” 

To which I thought, “1. Oh cultural influence in my life, since when did it become a requirement to move in with someone before you get married? Do people really believe that makes it easier? Truly good marriages take hard work, regardless…let’s not complicate things even more. 2. He does have a point…a lot of people (I refuse to categorize only men in this one) are clueless until around age thirty and remember what Nana always says…” Both of these could elicit one very long and legitimate blog post, but we’re going to simply stick with #2 for today.

Since I’m not yet thirty or even twenty-five I cannot tell you how much I will have figure out by then, but for my meager twenty-three years I can truly appreciate the validity of these statements. 

You know how when you’re younger you can never wait to get to the next milestone, because life will obviously be so much better when…you’re a teenager…you can see R rated movies…you have a later curfew…you get to date…you get you’re license, etc. We’ve all been there. Then you think you know everything. You are a cool, know-it-all high schooler and to top it off  when you graduate you get to move out and go to college where all the rules change. Then you play, mess up, fall down, get up, scrape off your knees, learn a little (hopefully), graduate, and then life is good. You have reached the culmination of all your childhood dreams. Life has been wrapped up in a nice little box with a big pretty bow and decorative, curly-q ribbons atop. 

But wait…life goes on? You mean there’s more…? That’s not the end.

What if that’s just the beginning…

I sure do wish I could have comprehended how trivial middle school “crises” were when there was so much more life to come after those years.

It’s funny…living life is essential to learn and yet it seems so appealing for there to be a simple how-to manual to get through the tough things early on. 

For example…had I known that everyone didn’t really need  to love everything about me and could have grasped that I couldn’t please everyone a few years ago, maybe that “thing” with my roommates would not have been such a big deal. Maybe it wouldn’t have been something that impacted me so strongly.

Maybe at age five, if I could have truly understood the words “Jesus loves me this I know…amazing grace how sweet the sound…I’ve got peace like a river…His love is deeper than the ocean…” maybe if all those hand gestures had penetrated my heart the way comprehension of how real these things are can…maybe then life would have been different. Or maybe not…because I am still just a human being.

Over the past few months as I have learned about the incredible truth of God’s grace and attempted to comprehend how hugely this impacts my life…I have been moved.

Moved closer to God.

Moved closer to Jesus.

Moved closer to love.

Moved closer to forgiveness.

Moved closer to grace.

Moved closer to humility.

Moved closer to acceptance.

Moved closer to freedom.

Moved closer to liberation.

Moved closer to myself.

Moved closer to self-awareness…

…and self-acceptance.

I think it’s true…you can’t possibly know who you are and what you stand for until much later in life. There is too much to learn. Too many things to go through. Too many mistakes to be made. To build character. To understand. Too many developmental stages to be conquered.

And how easy it would be for one of these many life stages to trip you up…and it does, for a lot of people. People get hurt. Stuck. Beaten down. Angry. Sad. Lonely. Bitter.

And sadly…some never move on.

But some people, oh some people blossom, just when you stopped looking for it to happen. Some people snap at just the last second…and there, before your very eyes, a person you never imagined.

This is what happened for me.

Now this may seem a shocker if you’ve known me for a long time because it would seem that I am very easy to figure out, predictable even.

Words often used to describe me in my past: “goody-two-shoes, predictable, comfortable, perfectionist, OCD, organized, structured, sweet, nice, fun, loving, nurturing…blah blah blah”

I don’t know about you…but that sounds boring to me. Nice…but kind of boring. Fortunately, I have never felt more myself than I have in the past few months. I feel as if I have finally discovered the Emily that has been screaming to get free, ignored, and itching for the opportunity to live if only the person ruling my life would just let me. 

A lot of THIS combined with a little inspiration like THIS the real me, the one that was created from the very beginning, the one fashioned to be free, the one God intended…she has arrived. 

And here’s what I’ve discovered…

I can’t be perfect.

I can’t please everyone.

I can’t even please a lot of people.

I can only offer what has been graciously and undeservingly given to me…

love

grace

mercy

no judgement

forgiveness

You see folks, life is simply life…so you might as well enjoy the ups and downs, forgive those who have hurt you, apologize to those you’ve hurt, forgive yourself for hurting others, smile, and keep on going.

Other things I’ve embraced…

I love having my camera attached to my hip.

(You never know when a precious moment will need to be captured…)

I love wearing glasses…I don’t need them. They’re solely for fun and decoration.

Also, the world is an intriguing place…and I want to explore. Even the gecko side of it…

I don’t enjoy country music. Maybe I just done did myself in when I was a youngster.

Now I find jazz, classical, indie, and what can be dubbed “post-rock” music to be more my style…oh and don’t forget the reggaeton and hip-hop because girl’s gotta dance!

Baking is an experimental, relaxing, and exciting journey for me. Even the simple chocolate chip cookie. I swear I will master it one day.

 And lastly there is nothing that makes me happier than spending time with the people I love…

Life is sweet…taste it, drink it in, savor it, let it sit in your mouth, fully appreciate all the full, savory and sweet flavors it has to offer.

It’s the most beauty you will ever find.

Let it take your breath away.