10 Apr {enter catchy, interesting phrase here}
Dear world,
I just want to send out some love to you tonight.
The world has been overwhelming for me lately and I thought maybe it has been for you too.
I can’t get you-know-who out of my brain and it hurts. I sit in circles and wonder how I show up in his story. If I am the villain, the protagonist, or–worst of all–am I forgotten? I hear story after story that continue to be too close to home. I look into knowing eyes and feel pain down to my toes.
And I realize…sometimes life is hard. Sometimes it’s not too. That is also true.
I’ve been faking it a lot lately.
I also realized that I have spent a lot of
time pouring out my heart on this little corner of the world and
began to wonder earlier today if I was still entertaining you. “Are
they still there?” I wondered. “Do they still care? I have sort
of been depressing lately, but I have also been completely and
totally authentic. And that’s what I am all about, right?” I wonder as I open a blank screen and the little black cursor waves at me. Blink. Are you willing? Blink. Will you say it? Blink. Will they listen?
Mocking me.
I guess I haven’t been faking it here…so if you’re still here. Thank you.
I just want to say–stop comparing your reality to someone else’s ideal. You have no idea what is going on within someone’s heart and mind. (This is also a very good reason to be kind to all people…but that’s for another day.)
I want you to know something…I try (most of the time) to wrap these little notes up with love and optimism and hope. I always believe in love, optimism, and hope. I do not, however, always feel them.
I say things about what true beauty is–and completely believe them. You. Are. Beautiful. I say. No matter the size of your thighs or the number on the back of your jeans or how much weight you can bench or how many mistakes you’ve made or how many times you’ve said hurtful things. You are beautiful. Grace on your looks goood.
And I mean it. Except for sometimes I don’t mean it for me. Sometimes I hold myself to a standard of physical and internal beauty that I publicly proclaim to be gross and fake (and impossible). What the hell is up with that!?!
On Sunday I am going to be telling a story. A story filled with drama, drugs, sex, passion, shame, fear, and beauty…grace and redemption. All great components for a good story.
And in some moments I am so excited to tell whoever will listen the awesome power of Jesus and the incredible work He is doing in my life and wants to do in yours.
Other days though…in some moments…I want to hide under the covers and only leave enough room to raise my white flag. “I surrender.” I say. “I can’t take it. I’m not good enough. No one wants to hear your sad story. It’s not important. You don’t even believe you’re beautiful. And you’re listening to me so clearly I still have my deep snares penetrating around your shackles and holding you down. You’re so hypocritical. They’re going to see straight through you,” the Enemy says. And in some moments I listen, “I am a fake; a phony. Who am I? I try so hard and it’s never good enough;” I give in and believe the lies he whispers in my ear.
Then I eat too much ice cream and hate myself for it or I don’t eat and feel guilty for giving into other unhealthy eating behaviors (oh…I wasn’t supposed to say that was I? We don’t talk about things like that. I’m not sorry though. I know so many girls and women–healthy girls and women–who struggle with this and to pretend we are not all fighting the same beast together to is stupid.)
Then I realize that I’ve lost. It’s a lose-lose self-loathing. There is no redemption there.
(Side note: The aforementioned eating behaviors are very unhealthy. I do not condone them. I try to have a very healthy and loving relationship with food. And generally speaking I do…I love food. I do not believe in fad diets. I believe in eating well and enjoying the Earth’s bounty to the fullest. Having a regular diet, well-rounded with all foods…but when I get stressed and anxious; exhausted and overwhelmed…shit happens. It is not okay. But it is real. Some people get super busy and forget to eat. Others binge eat when they’re stressed. And others actively avoid food when they’re overwhelmed. None are okay. Can we admit this and talk about it? Can we talk about how to not do this? …yes, please.)
“Where is the love I was mentioned wanting to share?” you may be asking yourself.
Well…what I want you to know is that it’s normal. It’s normal to give into lies sometimes. It’s normal to act unhealthy sometimes. It’s normal to not like yourself and compare yourself to unreasonable, gross, ugly standards.
What is not okay is staying there. You must come back to truth and love (sooner rather than later).
Sometimes those moments where I buy into lies last for just a split second and I proclaim, “I AM A FLIPPING BEAUTIFUL, RADIANT, POWERFUL DAUGHTER OF THE KING AND I AM A FREAKING WARRIOR. WATCH OUT WORLD. BOOM.”
Other times I battle those lies for a few minutes. But even worse…sometimes I battle them for a season, a few days.
Like now, for example, when I have one of the most important weekends of this year coming up. In 3 days I take my national counselor’s exam and the day after that I am going to stand up in front of who knows how many people and basically (metaphorically) strip naked. And then talk about shame.
Ha! It’s going to be a riot. You should come.
I love you, friends. I would hug each one of you if I could. You have been so kind and loving to me.
For tonight…breathe in. Step outside. It’s beautiful. Smell the rain maybe or feel the wind against your skin. Wiggle your toes. Wrap your arms around you and give yourself a hug. You are worthy of a big squeeze. Let go of the guilt you feel for being “normal.” Write down ten things you love about you! Play your favorite song. Scream. Cry. Laugh. Curl up…and rest. Life keeps moving.
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