Death by Heart Soreness

“Mom…do you think you can die of
heartache?” I asked, curled up in her lap for the second night in a
row.

“Well, Em, I guess you probably can.”
I can’t see it but I know tears fill her eyes.

I don’t try to hide the traitor tears
brimming over my eyelids. I’ve been here before. This has been my
home for the past few (or more) months and it seems to have grown
increasingly weary the past couple of weeks.

I suppress the feelings of shame of
hiding in my mother’s bosom and succumb to feeling like a
five-year-old little girl retreating into her mother’s arms for
refuge.

My phone buzzes and I look down:

“Some days, all we can do is hide in
God’s word. Hiding in His promises of hope when little is around,
hiding under His cloud of grace when few give us grace, and remaining
hopeful of an eternity where pain and sorrow are replaced with
springs of living water. ‘Never again will they hunger; never again
will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching
heart. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their
Shepherd; He will lead them to springs of living water. And God will
wipe away every tear from their eyes.’ Revelations 7: 16-17”

A friend…though far away…reminds me
of Truth. Sigh.

And there I sit: emotionally exposed,
naked and ripe for the taking, but physically enveloped in love and
verbally showered with grace.

For tonight…this is what it takes to
get by. Tonight I grieve not just for my losses, but for the pain of
the world. Sometimes…it overwhelms me. Death, no matter what form
it takes, of relationships, of expectations, of loved ones, of
dreams, of ideas…always takes lavishly and unexpectedly.

My losses leave me feeling alone,
unworthy, ugly, ruined, broken, betrayed, gross, shamed,
irreconcilably destroyed.

I just left my friend’s home who, just
as I do, sits in the middle of a war zone she never imagined, wanted,
or expected.

Family friends grieve the loss of a son
who committed suicide last week…and my heart aches.

Did you know that “heartache” in
Old English was literally “heart soreness” or “anguish of
mind?”

Makes a lot of sense, eh?

However life circumstances may leave
you feeling tonight—broken, aching, empty, ugly, unworthy—I just
want to share this with you: (And I say this both for you and for
myself because a) I don’t want to die of heart soreness and b)
because I need the reminder as well…)

No life circumstances, no person, no
words, no rumor, no abuse, no battering, no aggression, no lie, no
deceit, no manipulation, no betrayal, no loss, no one can take away
the fact that you are beautiful, cherished, strong, loved, and worthy of love.

Have a beautiful Wednesday, dear one. XO (<<