Ahmmah…ahmmah…ahmmah

I feel the cool concrete hard beneath my back. Bumpy rocks press in against my feet through my flip flops, their straps straining against the tops of my toes. The wind blows and I feel it dance over the bridges of my feet and tug at wisps of my hair. If I listen closely the song of trees rings louder than the hum of nearby traffic. 

I close my eyes and the sun warms my cheeks. I am here, here in this moment. The birds sing a lovely, happy tune as they toil away un-phased by their labor. An AC unit near by whispers that it is cooling the space for the loved ones inside as it stirs to life. Footsteps sweep by me as a playing child pants past in a rousing game of tag. Someone must had been tagged for there is a burst of laughter somewhere behind me (…or maybe someone got away?).

It occurs to me that today is the National day of prayer and I pause. “Thank you,” I whisper. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” It seems the only appropriate response to the moment. This beautiful moment that is fleeting and yet holds monumental potential.

“Thank you for bringing me here. I did not believe I would make it. I wanted to quit. I wanted to run and hide. I didn’t want to be a help to anyone…much less those who poke at still open and raw wounds. No. I didn’t want to. I was not strong enough. I clung to darkness because I didn’t believe I was strong enough to get out. Thank you. Thank you for your strength that is enough. Thank you that you love so immeasurably more than I can imagine. Thank you that you love even when I don’t pay attention. Thank you that you love so hard that you fought for me when I couldn’t. Thank you that I made it to this particular finish line–the end of graduate school. I did not believe I would survive.” 

My chest rises and falls deeply, fully aware of the weight that has been lifted. Relief. It’s the only word that captures what my heart feels. “Nothing else matters except that you brought me hear. Thank you.”

“‘I have really enjoyed working with you. It has been such a pleasure,’ she said. ‘What I have enjoyed and admired most is how brave you are.’ Brave, Dad!!? Hahaha She said I was brave!!? Did you hear that!!? ‘I know that first day with those guys we just unknowingly threw you in the ringer and I have watched you fight hard since. You didn’t quit and you worked through a lot of shit. I have watched you…and they love you. They love you because you’re a damn good clinician…and you do awesome paperwork. You worked hard through this…and Emily, he didn’t win.’ He didn’t win. How did she know that I had wondered if I had lost so many times? Lost my life, my world, myself, my patience, my kindness, my “story,” my dream, my compassion? …you must have told her, huh? She said he didn’t win, I won!!! I think she’s right…but only because of you. We both know that’s true. It’s all only because of you.”

“Thank you. Thank you for this breeze that tickles my eyelashes. Thank you that this chapter is over. Thank you for the laughter I hear in the distance. Thank you for the amazing team–I mean it has seriously been a freaking team, God–of awesome support!! Thank you. Thank you for carrying me. Thank you for people who have allowed me to be and helped me to find my truest self. Thank you for giving me freedom. Thank you for forgiving me when I abuse that freedom. Thank you that in the game of life there is no losing for me because Jesus came. Thank you. Thank you for deepest friendship. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for not leaving me behind like he did. Thank you for never disappointing. Thank you for wisdom. Thank you for speaking to me through wise people. Thank you for all who have joined with me through this. Thank you for those that have remained my friend without judgment. Thank you that I have received so little judgment. Thank you that you broke me of my deep-seeded fear of being judged. Thank you that others have listened and loved in return. Thank you for laughter. Thank you for happy tears. Thank you that in some crazy, bizarre, ridiculous way you are using this. Thank you for honoring me as a tool to touch others. I am so unworthy. Thank you. Thank you for this amazing space that I never would have known without the past. I’m not really sure what that means…but thank you. 

Hey…can you give me a better word for ‘thanks!?’ Please? I’m sure you have to be getting sick of it. Maybe I’ll make up a new one…like Ahmmah….ahmmah…ahmmah…ahmmah. Isn’t that a place mentioned in the bible? …I need to investigate. Either way…you know my deepest gratitude…ahmmah

…until you give me a better and less exhausted word…thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

To those of you that have stuck around and are still here…thank you. 

~~~~~

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” 

{Marcel Proust}