12 Apr Contemplating Humility.
Today was therapy day.
I love therapy day…generally speaking.
The last couple of weeks have been hard though. Actually, the truth is that it is generally hard. You know those rare friends that don’t just tell you what you want to hear? Those friends who say the hard stuff that you want to hit them for? The friends who later…when you’re out of the storm…you think “They were so right.”?
Well therapy is like confronting that friend every single week.
I bet if you’re honest you don’t hang out with that friend very much. Why would I say such a terrible thing? …Well because we’re human and it hurts to be confronted with the big magnifying mirror that sees every scar and every pore that you pretend isn’t there. Yup. That’s what it’s like…being honest with yourself. Brutally honest.
People don’t like to do that…but us counselor types seem to enjoy it. Why? Because in order to ask people to do the really hard stuff…you must first be able to do it yourself.
So here I am…would you like to know the big blackhead staring me in the face…control. Yup, that’s it. I love it. Control is my friend. She makes me feel like I have more power. Like I am safe and secure. She allows me to believe that I have some semblance of power in this ridiculous world I live. She’s wrong. She’s just a mask. She hides my other friends insecurity, sadness, fear, and others. The whole gang is under her, she’s just the leader.
I’m on an Adele kick and one of her songs says,
I cant give you, what you think you gave me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
Under hard? the skies I see ooh
Where love is lost, your ghost is found
I’ve lived a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down”
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5
So this is where I stand. I do not feel it necessary to delve into the depths of this issue because a) it’s the deep, dark, sad part of me the internet is not worthy of, b) it’s control…I’m a woman…you want to know the issues, go read a book. There are thousands, and c) There’s nothing else to say. It’s something I have loosened my grip on and am praying that God will do the rest…I am willing and open. I am confident He will do the rest.
So I leave you with this…A Love Song. From Adele.
Because I believe in big love. I believe in vulnerability. I believe in trust. I believe in security. (And not of my own hands.)
That’s all…enjoy…good night.
KJM
Posted at 03:39h, 13 Aprilgosh…so much goodness in this! well…<br />1. i love you and brian!<br />2. i love adele and this song<br />3. you can be soft