The pull back

Some friends that I know are getting a divorce. As far as I can tell…they have no reason to take this course of action. They have two adorable children under the age of five, they (were) best friends, and one claims that they are simply miserable… “just didn’t marry the right one.”

Being that I have a front row seat to the demolition show as they attempt to take apart their marriage, I have found myself strongly pushing back to what is taking place in front of me. 

One of them said to me the other day, “I don’t know if I really believe in marriage anymore.” 

Obviously, I inquired as to what that could possibly mean…the answer: “What is a marriage if you’re not religious?”

That’s a fair question. 

Because here’s the thing…it takes two plus God to make it work.

Can we just get something out in the open really quickly?  ….Ok, thank you.

Marriage is not easy. It is hard. It is hard work. 

::sigh::

Alright, I feel better now.

Now that the air is cleared, can we talk about this?

The other day my friend and I were discussing friendships. By the end of the conversation we were acknowledging that she wants friends to be close, but then pushes them away.

On a side note…she’s a total freak. Seriously, who does that?

Just kidding. Who doesn’t do that? We all do that. Every single day.

Why?

Because it’s easier. I told her that I had experienced the pushing away, but that it was more of a pull away. She didn’t actively pushed me away, but passively pulled back. In which case the friendship is susceptible to becoming fake, surface-level, and eventually, fizzle out.

Like all relationships, if you’re not moving forward you’re moving backwards. 

All relationships take intentionality.

Great friendships and great marriages take time, vulnerability, honesty, fun time, emotional times, highs, and lows.

…I have a confession. I’m not married. So at this point you can feel free to disregard everything I have said since I couldn’t possibly know what I’m talking about without being married. I couldn’t possible know how hard it is. 

True. I won’t argue. I don’t know what marriage is like. But here’s the thing. 

I’m terrified. That risk or leap in faith that maybe you’ve already taken…I’m scared because I know what I’m committing to.

I know I’m committing to two unique, special, different individuals becoming one (interdependently because that’s healthier).

I know I’m committing to being naked and unashamed. I don’t mean physically (well, I do, but not at this particular moment), but I mean emotionally…as in “here is all of my good stuff and here is all my bad. I hope that you will forgive my bad and love my good.”

I know I’m committing to being confronted with all of my crap in order to be shaped into a better person.

I’m not trying to throw God or the bible at any divorcee. I’m not saying that I believe there is absolutely never  a reason to get divorced.  Christians and theologians have fought over (and/or rationalized) this for years. Studying in the field of sexual, verbal, emotional, mental, physical trauma and abuse will cause you to question the “divorce is always wrong” rule really quick, in my own personal opinion.

The point is, in a culture of always faster, better, more personalized, more individual, more unique, more me,  and instant {me} gratification…it is easy to see why a person would pull back when things get sticky.

But (and there is always a ‘but’) as easy as it is to see, understand, and empathize with that…does not mean it’s for the best.

My friend that I mentioned earlier who confessed her new awareness of pulling back, introduced me to one of her favorite foods the other day. At my hesitation to try it she said, “Em! I’m pulling you in!” And try it I did. (For the record…it was delicious.)

Imagine the impact it would have on my friends’ marriage if they attempted to pull the other in?

I don’t have a marriage, but I do have friendships. And while not all friendships are even close to a marriage, friendships are the cornerstone to a great marriage. 

So relevant or not… I have have friends. Old friends. New friends. Better friends. Great friends. Bad friends turned ex-friends. Best friends. Long-term friends. Close friends. Distant friends. Acquaintance friends. etc.

And the important thing about the really great ones…we stick it out. We pursue when we are busy; make that phone call when we can put it off; have coffee when other things call; squeeze in a movie when other things seem more important; write a note when we go too long without talking; drive long hours when nothing else seems right. We are intentional in maintaining the pizazz. 

Marriage or not…that is love.

Everyone has friendships. Lots of people have marriages.

But only a few people have great ones.

So are you pulling back? Or are you intentional about pursuing?

Do those you love know how much you love them?

Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.