13 reasons to stop talking badly about yourself

10 Aug 13 reasons to stop talking badly about yourself

I was listening (eavesdropping is another way to put this, but that is irrelevant) to a conversation over lunch a few days ago & was struck by how instinctual it is for us to put ourselves down. In an effort to cut out this atrocious epidemic, here are 13 reasons you should stop speaking poorly about yourself & begin speaking kindness in your life.

1. It is not making you feel better. Bringing attention to the flaws you see in yourself & your own insecurities is not decreasing them. Oftentimes, we speak these words in an effort to get affirmation & to ensure ourselves that the things we believe are “broken” or wrong with us actually aren’t. In fact, this habit is probably making you feel worse. Either people respond proactively & tell you that you are crazy & state the opposite, contradicting your put down, & therefore deepening your dependence on others for the affirmation of your worth. (This makes you feel more fragile & dependent.) Or they don’t do that and respond neutrally (or worse, agree with you) and you are sent into a downward spiral; lost in your own self-loathing.
2. You are drawing negative attention to yourself & there is inherently enough of that in our scarcity culture without our own intentional efforts—draw positive energy your way.
3. You are pointing out ugliness others don’t necessarily (& probably don’t) see at all. We have this tendency to believe that people are paying more attention to us than they actually are. In social psychology, it is called the “Spotlight Effect” & it is a accredited to our ego-centrism. It is not arrogance, but more that we are all the centers of our own universes. All of your experiences circulate around one similarity: you. People not noticing your ugly spots can be attributed to the fact that they are the centers of their own universe as well, not that they do not care about you.
4. It is simply not attractive, cute, or appealing. It is very much off putting. We love you! Chances are the people around you love you! Your constantly bringing attention to the things that are wrong with you, when they love so many other things about you is exhausting & disheartening. Remember how we are ego-centric? Well, sometimes your constant putting yourself down can lead to the people who love you believing their love is not good enough for you, that you don’t love them the way they love you or that you don’t believe them. We have this inherent belief that when people love us they value what we say & if you are never absorbing our love, our adoration, our compliments & only resonating with the negative it can erode at the very foundation of a relationship. This foundation is imperative for relational survival.
5. Oftentimes, you are wrong. It is simply not true. You’re not fat. You’re not ugly. The dress looks great. Your hair looks great. You are a great dad. You led that meeting well. You handled that situation the best you knew how & it was good. In general, we are all doing the best we can with what we have & know right now, at this point in our journey. We know this is true of you too. Show yourself some compassion & allow your abilities & successes to define you, not your imperfections & failures.
6. You are spreading insecurity. When we do not appreciate all of our gifts for what they are, we are inadvertently telling people they are not enough as well. Imagine that I have a wonderful singing voice & people love to hear me sing, but I am constantly down-playing my talent & saying that I have none (we are not talking about humility). Imagine you want to sing, but know that your voice pales in comparison to mine. You know I could teach you some techniques to strengthen your voice, but you decide you will never ask for help for shame over singing in front of me. If I do not even believe that I can sing what would I possibly think about you?  Own your talents & gifts. Know what you are good at & where you are trying to grow, but stop spreading insecurity by marinating in yours all day long.
7. It carves terrible neuroses patterns in your brain that will take further effort to undue. Did you know that you are constantly in brain boot camp? Everyday we are training our minds and carving patterns in our neuroses. Our brains are like gardens, pruning away what is not being used, & growing strong the vines & roots that are frequented. We create patterns in our minds that are strengthened every time we use them. If your pattern is to walk out of a meeting & list every little thing that you screwed up–you probably no longer even need to reach for a pen & paper. Your mental list is a page long before the meeting even concludes. Or if every time you look into the mirror you begin cataloging the ways in which you are aging–yep, you guessed it. You will soon not even need the mirror to remind yourself to make that list. Be a friendly camp leader to your brain. Train it up in ways that are conducive to your growth & success, not growing the shame that keeps you small & hidden
8. You are giving others permission to shame themselves. In fact, you are contributing to the culture’s shaming epidemic. Be a solution, not a problem. [Re-read #6.]
9. You are encouraging poor character and confidence. When you shame yourself you are taking away from the atmosphere of celebration. We are all struggling with something(s). Maybe a friend of yours is trying to stop beating herself up so much, maybe she wants to try to be more confident, but you are constantly putting yourself down and criticizing all that you do. It is going to be much harder for her to be confident without feeling like an arrogant ass if you are wallowing in self-loathing. Chin up, love. You are lovely.
10. You are setting a poor example for those that look up to you. Ah! I cannot stress to you enough that little eyes & ears are listening & watching constantly. Let them know that that innate desire to feel pretty, to be strong, to be seen, acknowledged, & celebrated for who they are is good. And they can celebrate who they are without feeling shame. [& so can you!]
11. There is more to celebrate than hate on—choose your battles (& your words) wisely & lovingly. If you need help beginning a running list of all the things to celebrate about who you are, what you are gifted at, your greatest strengths, & gifts to the world, ask a close friend or parent to help you get started.
12. You are subtly telling people how they should treat you & how much you believe you are worth. It is true: we get what we think we deserve. Set your standards low, receive low treatment. Set your bar high, receive better treatment. There is this myth that if you have no expectations you will never be disappointed. This is a myth. In reality, what happens when you have no expectations is that you end up being treated poorly and resentful for it. In this life, you will be hurt whether you expect goodness from yourself & others or not. But you will be hurt less & be able to bounce back quicker when you have your own set of standards & healthy boundaries in place.
13. You are great…own it. You are imperfect. You have made some pretty big doozies of mistakes. You have failed. You are still figuring it out, but that makes your more awesome, not less. Owning the icky parts of your story, letting others know you haven’t figured it all out yet, & not hiding in your insecurities, these things add to your greatness, not detract from it. Begin celebrating.

Registration is still open for our 2015 Shameless Sisterhood Getaway. Get more details & register on the events page. I want you all to be there, but spaces are limited! So register today! Prices go up at the end of August.