All my heart

There is a song by Laura Story called “Blessings” that I have not been able to get out of my head for days now. In the past, I have been of the opinion that it is one of those cheesy, Christian songs that are simply too “gimmicky” for me. You know those songs that you think, “Wow. Yes…now if only I truly believed that in my heart, that would be nice. God…is that true? Is that really how the world works? I mean, I know that you trump all, but come on…that seems like a stretch.” 

Maybe you know what I am talking about or maybe I’m just that one bad Christian. 

Anyways, this song talks about trials being God’s mercies in disguise. [Let me just say up front that if you are not a believer, this is going to sound completely bizarre and crazy to you…but I am okay with that.]

So the song says this:

‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?

Mercies in disguise, eh? I have struggled with this song because it goes against all my human instincts. Yet as I have sat in the middle of the rain, the storm, and the hardest nights I have ever encountered I have begun to understand the significance of these words. 

What is the purpose of all of this? This life? This striving? Is it family? Is it children? Marriage? Friendship? Is it the best career? Is it knowledge? 

A recovering perfectionist myself, I have certainly cycled through my bought with striving for all of these. Striving to have the best plan that included the best of all life has to offer. Each one (except for the children part) has proven disappointment to some degree-and I’m still young! Don’t get the more experienced folk talking on this one; many know all too well the disappointments of life. So as I have sat with heartache and the crushing of dreams I “knew” were God’s design…what then? 

A friend recently reminded me that the thing I was fighting so hard for was in fact not God’s highest priority. In a moment, it didn’t seem possible. Wasn’t this the strongest desire of my heart, how could that not be God’s will for me too? As she continued she said, “Emily, he wants your heart, more than anything else. That’s the point.” 

Then I reflected…”Wasn’t this the strongest desire of my heart…?” The words ringing in my ears. God wasn’t the strongest desire of my heart–my own agenda was. My own agenda included good things, beautiful things, great things…but things that in the end were suffocating and potentially killing me in the moment. So I ask myself, God, and the void that seems to surround me: “What is the purpose of it all? It has so very clearly not be X, Y, or Z.”

And he answers with, “Me, my dear child. The purpose is to draw you close to me. I may not have caused every circumstance in your life, but I will certainly use every single one to bring you closer to me. I want you. I want your heart. I want your undivided attention and affection. I designed you for intimate connection with me…and here I am. Even in what you feel as a void. Stay here and let me love you, nurture you, heal you, strengthen you, and grow you. You are so beautiful, and yet you are becoming more and more magnificent everyday you spend in my presence.”

[Side note: God didn’t type these words into this blog post. It’s unfortunate, I know. I keep waiting for the email from God to show up in my inbox, but, alas, it has yet to happen. These are simply the words that I feel he has spoken to me in so many of these desperate moments. I remind you again I am no biblical scholar and you can take the words for what they are: my interpretation.]

So I cry. Scream. Wail and flail…and settle. In the rain. In the arms of the most kind and gentle Father we’ll ever try to comprehend. But still in the rain.

~~~

I recently began a new book study. The key scripture: Deuteronomy 6:5, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.”

You should be laughing out loud at this point because God is impossibly humorous and kind. What do you do when life goes your way? Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, and strength. What do you do when it doesn’t? Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, and strength.

I work with addicts at a psychiatric hospital nearby and we always point out to them how hard they have worked to arrive at our unit–the detox/stabilization unit. We always challenge and encourage them to put the same amount of energy into recovery. Not only because that’s what it takes, but simply because that is what it takes. 

As human beings we work hard to get ourselves into situations that are wrapped up in “us,” our good intentions, our plans, and our mistakes. We are pretty awesome, after all, and a lot of times have truly wonderful plans…but they fall very short in comparison to what God’s plans look like. I am learning that saying “yes” to God can seem or feel like a no to self, like a swift kick in the butt, or like a dagger to your well laid plans, but it is most certainly not that. Because God designed us with a purpose that is good and beautiful and far outshines the comprehension of our brains. Saying yes to God’s plans and God’s journey for our lives is truly fulfilling every want or wish we could ever imagine and more. It is truly the trump card to yes to self!

I’m just sayin’ I like people who are smarter than me. I don’t often like to be told what to do…let’s just be honest. But I am beginning to see how listening, waiting, and trusting in the journey God has laid ahead of me is more bold, brilliant, courageous, and awesome than all I can fathom and dream. 

I refuse to be an “if only” story. I refuse to say “maybe later” or “when I feel more prepared.” I choose to see beauty in chaos. I choose to sit in the storm and listen for the voice that gently guides and the hand the leads mightily and daringly, yet with great care. I choose to believe that the mercy of the storm is drawing me closer to the only One who can satisfy all that my hearts thirsts for. And when I look at it that way…is it really all that scary to say yes to God?

…I think not.