A love letter…

When I was eighteen I was in a major car accident. My first weekend of college, I was heading back to campus and I happened to hydroplane and then flip my car on an Atlanta interstate. For a few seconds, my life slowed to a snail pace. I could hear myself screaming, see the scenery flash by in blurs and pieces that didn’t make any sense. When the car and my screaming came to a stop, it seemed the world had not. Cars continued to drive by, my heart pounded in my chest. I found myself covered in glass and blood sitting in a world seemingly completely out of control. Time must have still been distorted because I was confused as to why no one was stopping to help me. I searched for my phone and hysterically tried to tell the phone operator what happened. (I was one of those people who they respond to with: “Ma’am, I need you to calm down and breath. I cannot understand you.”) Fortunately, at that same moment, a lady came to my rescue and took the phone from me to explain where I was and what happened. When she returned to tell me help was on the way I asked her to call my mom and quickly listed off four friends names that needed to be called as well.

Looking back that seems like such a bizarre thing to do. There I was sitting on the side of the interstate, unable to determine which parts of my body are bleeding or intact, rain was falling, nothing made sense…but I had the mind to as this stranger to tell my mom to call these four friends. 

When you’re in the middle of crisis…you want your loved ones around you. You don’t want just one or two…you want them all. (Apparently, there were just four for me at the time.)

This current season that has not been a seemingly, cut and dry, one night in the hospital, and then a couple of months recuperating (but mostly fine) situation has taught me something…the old saying, “it takes a village” isn’t simply in reference to raising a child. Sometimes it takes a village to simply get through life. Sometimes you need all “your people” to call their people and gather around you in one, big, giant, human hug.

Sounds a little selfish? …I don’t think so. I say that because I am one of those people who doesn’t ask for help. Maybe you have no pride or codependent issues like myself and you’re a perfectly functioning, healthy adult. If so…good for you. If not, maybe you understand what it is like to feel burdensome to those around you. (Warning, I’m confessing things again. Watch out.) I will shyly confess that part of my issue is believing I care more. I care more about you than you do about me. I’ve told you this before…I guess you could chalk it up to either a self-esteem issue or a pride issue. Either I believe that I am not worthy to be loved the same amount that I love others or I believe that I love better than everyone else and they just need to get it together so they can love as well as I can. I’ll let you decide which side I fall on.

People don’t talk about these things though, do we? You don’t need to answer that…I already know the answer. I know because I sit in an office where people come to discuss their insecurities and fears everyday. And I am surrounded by colleagues and friends that see the same thing. People may not say those words, “Oh, Hi! I’m hear to discuss my insecurities. You know I just don’t feel worthy.” No…it’s never that simple, but it generally boils down to those two things. Insecurity and fear. So I am taking a risk hear and simply telling you I have insecurities…but I am going to assume you do too, whether you wish to tell me that or not.

We shoot ourselves in the foot though, don’t we? We look at ourselves for all that we know we are, faults included…and then we look at the shined up, polished appearance of others and assume that’s all there is to them. They’re simply perfect, “put together” people. I’ve decided–no one has it together. We are all very busy maintaining the illusion of composure however. 

All that being said…sometimes it is hard to ask for (and receive help) when we believe the lie that we’re the only one that needs it!

Back to my point…in life, and most assuredly in crisis, we need people. Lots o’ people. (Which hopefully) Equates to lots o’ LOVE. 

This past weekend I had the incredible opportunity to spend some time with friends that I have known for quite a while…some since elementary school. It is the fortunate person who is blessed to have friends — meaningful friends — around for that long. You’ve seen those cheesy plaques or pictures that say something about how no matter how long or far away a friend goes, true friends can pick up right where they left off, at any moment. Yeah…well…I have those. And I hope you do too.

What I am coming to realize is that I completely underestimated my large network of love (aka friends). This is by no means due to their ineptness at friendship, but more to my own insecurities (see above confessions.)

This statement of love has been a long time coming as I have relaxed into receiving and confessing (sometimes screaming), “I NEED HELP!!! I’m not going to make it! PLEASE someone help me!!!” because I have been rescued time and time again…in my weakest most desperate moments…a hug, a text, a phone call, arms that hold tight, silence that carries the weight of emotions, a look of acknowledgement, etc. 

They have been there.

So today…as I send out a huge bucket of gratitude and love to “my people” I challenge you to do the same. (I have been told an attitude of gratitude makes all the difference and could be the one thing to save your life. Also…don’t hate on the rhyme; it makes it easier to remember. 😉 )

Tell that parent, or friend, or coworker that they are important. We all need to hear it. Allow others the honor of knowing they have cared for and loved you well. 

When I began writing this I was going to list off every name I could think of that has blessed me…but as I attempt to do so…I fail. I fail because you people, you amazing, wonderful, supportive, encouraging people. You have been so vast and numerous, and each one incredibly dear and special that I cannot possibly do that. Suffice it to say…

You are beautiful people. You are rescuers and healers. You are strong and courageous. You are wise and intelligent. You are funny and wholesome. Thank you…a million times…thank you. 

The words…as simple as they are…are the only ones I can put to speak to the band aids you have laid upon my heart, the neosporin you placed on my gaping wounds, the wheelchair you rolled me around in when I couldn’t function, the crutches you lifted me on to as you helped me become stronger. You are doctors of the soul. Thank you for loving me so dearly. I shall buy you each a drink one day, one at a time…and tell you: 

“You matter to me. Thank you for finding me worthy of mattering to you.”

Your grateful pal always & forever…E

“Life is a bowl of cherries. Some cherries are rotten while others are good; its your job to throw out the rotten ones and forget about them while you enjoy eating the ones that are good! There are two kinds of people: those who choose to throw out the good cherries and wallow in all the rotten ones, and those who choose to throw out all the rotten ones and savor all the good ones.” 
― C. JoyBell C.