Eaten alive with fear and insecurity

At the beginning of last year I joined a new small group. It was the first time I had shared my testimony in a while and as I told my story I said something along the lines of this:

“If I had to choose one word to describe my family I would use ‘fearful’ to describe one side and ‘insecure’ to describe the other.”  One side is filled with family members hiding behind smiles, lying to the world and to themselves about who they are, what they are about, and what really keeps them up at night. The other side filled with busy people trying to convince themselves that they have “got it;” “everything is under control,” and as long as they keep that {illusion of} control all will be okay. Of course, they also smile as well. 

Now…do not hear me say that all of my family is bad and stupid. They’re not. I love my family very much. They have many positive traits and qualities. They are loving and giving and efficient and kind and some of them would quite honestly do anything in their power to help you out. They have made me all the good that I am.

As a whole though, these two words, fearful and insecure, capture their M.O.s quite clearly. [In all fairness…they capture the majority of Americans to an extent…but we won’t go there tonight.]

According to experts over at Wikipedia, fear is “an emotion induced by perceived threat which causes entities to quickly pull far away from it and usually hide.” Insecure is, “not confident or assured; uncertain and anxious.” 

Eesh. As a product of my culture, my family system, human nature, and brokenness itself I am one all too familiar with both of these states of being. Hiding. Anxiety. Lacking confidence. Without assurance. Alone. Unknown. Lonely. 

I confess that for many {most} years of my life…this is exactly how I have lived. Afraid. Hiding. Unsure. Insecure. Feeling ugly. Discontent. It continued on for many years…and I am not blaming my family. We are all given many gifts from our families and we are all beings of nature as well. 

It took many years to find myself…and I am positive I am still searching. But there is one thing that I can attest to with no doubt, no insecurity, and no fear whatsoever…

Living in fear and insecurity is no life. There is no way to live beautifully and lively without shedding insecurity and fear. Existing, one can do while inhabiting both. 

Tomorrow I turn 26. I am absolutely ecstatic to tell you that…life is beautiful at 26. Life is big and painful and ugly and mean and filled with butterflies and rainbows and joy and tears and even more laughter…and the occasional unicorn!

Life is life. As profound as I know that sounds…it is truth. Life does not lie in what others think about you. Life isn’t held in someone else’s plan. Life isn’t a number on a scale or a score on a scoreboard. Life isn’t a grade on a test. Life isn’t pass/fail. Life isn’t out to get you. Life isn’t all thunderstorms and torrential downpours.

Life is simply life. Life is beauty. Life is breath. Life is the heavy sigh of my favorite pup. Life is the coo of a newborn. Life is the advice of my grandmother or the sound of thunder crackling. Life is a cannonball into a cool pool of water. Life is jumping in rain puddles. Life is singing at the top of your lungs–on or off pitch. Life is a long hot shower. Life is a night out with girlfriends. Life is a movie night on the couch. Life is laughter. Life is being told your beautiful (and believing it). Life is dancing. Life is loving.

Life is loving me. Because I cannot possibly love you if I do not first love me. And if I am eaten alive with fear and insecurity there is absolutely no way that I can love me.

World, I love you so much. Friends, you are beautiful. You have brought such absolutely magnificent goodness to my life. Life, you have taught me so much. I have become so painfully and blissfully aware that I am solely a student of the universe, a student of love, a disciple of Jesus–who is love, btw. The sun, the storms, the rainbows, the rain, the lighting, the hummingbirds, the breathe, the moon, and stars…the love…all meld into one beautifully orchestrated mess of magnificence. 

I am grateful for this beautiful journey.

Love to you all on my birthday!!! I will be accepting awkwardly long held hugs and superbly huge love all day…

…and everyday from hence forth.

XO