01 Jan There is a Treasure in Your Trial
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| Photo Source: The Atlantic |
The date on my computer screen says 1/1/2014. A new year. Some people say this is a new start, a chance for a new beginning. The new year is the time to hit the restart button or gain a “do-over” in life.
I spent last night ringing in the new year on my couch…just the way I like it. I generally find the celebration of the new year overrated. Working at a gym for many years can make you a little jaded to resolutions I suppose. January comes with a BANG, classes are overflowing with people who say “this is the year” and by mid February things are back to normal…with only those truly committed to a lifestyle of health hanging in.
I have nothing against resolutions or new beginnings. I love them for many reasons. I guess I just go against the stereotypical way that America likes to do them. (With fancy lights, lots of music, big declarations, and showy intentions.) I prefer to make resolutions and changes…the same way I rang in the new year itself–quiet, with subtle determination, and powerful (but peaceful) resolve.
We all know I am a big dreamer–the title of my blog announces the fact even if you choose to do no investigation to this fact yourself. My optimism and artistic brain allow quite well for me to dream rather impractically.
2013 was a year that my dreams were crushed. My expectations of life shattered and buried in the wreckage of a broken heart. This time last year, though the tip of the iceberg reared it’s head to the awareness that things were not as they were supposed to be, I allowed myself to believe otherwise. As the months wore on though, it became clear that, just like the Titanic quickly went down after a seemingly “innocent” hit…my life began to fill with icy cold water, submerge the parts that I thought I had control over, and eventually sink my whole world. For months I watched myself cling, like Rose, to a chunk of ice–hoping rescue came. (Sorry for the cheesy metaphor…it just so happens to work. I’m almost done.)
There were moments I wanted to quit, and I don’t mean just stop hanging on. I wanted life to end. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to allow myself to let go and sink into the icy cold depths of the world I never intended to be in.
Yet here I am. I am not dead. I didn’t drown. I was rescued.
Joyce Meyer says, “there is a treasure in your trial,” and a friend wrote something amazingly poignant, insightful, and truth-filled for my birthday that perfectly depicts this statement. I want to share it with you…because it is painfully wonderful.
“The year of change. That pretty much sums up 2013. Today, some moons ago, a beautiful star passed through the gates of the gods…a beautiful red haired baby with the perfect turned up nose and laughing spirit. One miraculous moment, bringing a touch of heaven to the rest of us.Emily Lorin…I know it may seem, without substance, to compare your last year to any of the clichéd metaphors. Yet…I can’t help but remember something I once read, every time I think of you.When I was little, I cross stitched a little butterfly for my grandmother. I was fascinated by the beautiful winged beauties, and enchanted with their change. I imagined one of God’s creations wrapped ever so delicately in silk, while she slumbered through life’s transformation. Then…I read this,
Why is a caterpillar wrapped in silk while it changes into a butterfly? So the other caterpillars can’t hear the screams. Change hurtsRory Miller
I think of you, when I think of the butterfly…because even wrapped in the silk of God, I could see and hear your transformation. I cried for you, with you, wanting so badly to tear you free from your binds and set you free. Life as is, is doable…right??? That’s why, I’m NOT God.In the last couple of weeks…with my own eyes, I watched your silks start to fall away. Thread by thread they began to unravel, and the creature before my eyes seems nearly, magical. I still can’t un-hear the screams. Maybe I will never forget, it’s certain you won’t either. They will be a reminder that beauty such as yours, is bought with tears, an ocean of them.To one of my most endearing souls. Happy travel to earth day, happy change day, happy soul day. I love you, with the fibers that tie me to this body, and with the wings that draw me near to heaven. My soul will always know yours, precious one.Here’s to you…the year of the caterpillar. The year of change. Here’s to the beauty of colorful wings beating against the wind. Here’s to God’s beautiful butterfly.I love you.”
I used to hate butterflies. Lisa Frank ruined them for me as a child. Always so bright and colorful, yet fragile and vulnerable. The cliche butterfly tat also made them very unappealing. However, a couple of months ago I had a humbling and growing experience that challenged my view of butterflies. To try to explain it to words, in a blog post…would most likely be futile. Let’s just say that I had a moment in yoga, while lying in savasana, where God showed up in a huge way. I realized, despite all, I am beautiful, I am enough, I am held, I am safe, I am strong…and I am the butterfly, covered in beauty and strength.
My friend had no idea about this experience when she wrote this on my birthday. Butterflies are not simply fluttering, fragile, beautiful beings…no they have been through huge pain and growth to become the magnificence creatures that they are.
2013 was a confusing year so I did not make any goals or resolutions, but as I was looking back on my thoughts of the year before (what I learned my 25th year & goals for 2012)…I have confirmed one belief: for as smart as we like to believe we are (and sometimes we are pretty brilliant)…we’re pretty simple-minded still.
What I learned my 25th year of life…I could say were about the same things that I learned for my 26th year of life. (So maybe at this point you would say…well, Emily, maybe you are just the simple-minded one.)
My point is…new year, same year, old year…we all want to live beautiful, healthy, exciting, meaningful, lives that matter on purpose. We all want to be the hero or heroine of our own stories. We want to have fun and know we’re important.
But we all get in the way of ourselves.
With our determination, our expectations, our drive (often in the wrong direction), our misguided intentions, our broken brains and human hearts that lead us astray.
So this year, yes, I want to love bigger and better and let go more…but most importantly, I want to simply be better.
Not do better or strive better. I want to let go of expectations. I want to get out of the way of myself so that God and the powers at hand have room to move and breath and transform my life. And carry this beautiful butterfly on magnificent winds to my next destination.
I won’t fight the wind. I won’t hide from the storm. I will flit. I will flutter. I will sit still in amazement at the beauty that is within me and all around me.
I will be.
However and wherever I may be.
Cheers…to open hearts, open minds, and open hands for 2014.
Whether 2013 was the year that your screams were muffled by silk spun too tight, another year that you grew more magnificent and stronger, or a year that you just crawled along the edge of the limb fearfully wondering whether or not your transformation was coming…cheers to you, you beautiful one.
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“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
{Apple Inc.}
~~~~~~~
“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
{Apple Inc.}
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