Vulnerability Hangover

The first message I sent out yesterday morning to a friend. It was an SOS of sorts for prayer against the shame attack I could feel coming on. I sent out my story Sunday night. I was excited to put Kevin’s work out there (the amazingly talented man who produced the video). I thought he did an amazing job. I was anxiously anticipating what God was going to do with my story and the campaign to raise funds to cover my debt and get this new project off the ground.

I had shoved all angst about being that vulnerable on such a large scale to the back of my mind for the sake of being transparent and honest about the work God has done in my life. 

However…Monday morning I rolled over in my bed to an alarm that screamed at me and might as well have pounced on top of my head, jumping up and down on me like a three year old. I had a message and was hoping to receive a little encouragement and good feedback so early in the day. Unfortunately, what I received in reality was more of an attack on my character that hit me right between the eyes. I whirled. 

Was it too much? Was I selfish? How could I just send that out there like that!!? It could go anywhere!!? …for anyone to see and hear? What will everyone else think? I asked for money, but I didn’t demand. I asked for help…because I just need it. But I don’t believe I need it more than everyone else!? But…I just spoke up to ask. And I was vulnerable. People are going to take advantage of this. It can be so easily used against me. Oh, God, help. How could I have been so stupid as to have thought that you  would be glorified from my mess. 

I lied in bed and considered throwing the covers over my head, ignoring the responsibilities of Monday. But God whispered….”No, my fragile warrior, you’re coming with me today. I know you are scared. It’s okay to be scared as long as you lean on me and remember…I’ve got you.” 

I opened my Jesus Calling book, “Come to me for understanding, since I know you far better than you know yourself…I view you through the eyes of grace, so don’t be afraid of My intimate awareness. Allow the Light of My healing Presence to shine into the deepest recesses of your being…”

Sigh….”Ok, God…that was just what I needed to hear today. You know my heart. That’s all that matters. I can do this with you.”

I climbed out of bed and made my way through the rest of my day. 

Later that morning, I was dumped by one of my clients because they don’t believe that I’m being effective. I owe more money that I don’t have. I’m out of gas and have to commute…derp.

The day went on.

And then…Satan had his parade. My very last client comes in at 8:30pm. I love seeing her. Smile, anger, or tears…I always resonate with her. Tonight she was fragile. She was angry. She was heartbroken. She had finally ended a relationship that mimicked mine. And, suddenly, I could barely breath. I didn’t want to know her every tear, I didn’t want to feel the depth of every cry, I didn’t want to understand the fierce defeat of every curse word. No…in that moment…I wanted to take it all back.

I ended the session with tear-filled eyes and told her, “friend, I am just one girl and my words do not mean a whole lot. But for whatever it’s worth, when the Christianese gets old, when people say stupid shit, and when your pain seems never-ending…I just want to you to remember that I know that you are strong and courageous. And you will get through this.”

She didn’t make it out of the office door before I was in a pile in our office’s bathroom floor in tears.

I stifled the sobs long enough to make it through paperwork and get to my car where I cried out in anger to Jesus. “Did I just lie to her like our exes did? Do I really believe that I have made it through this to know that she will? Have you left me alone in this? I am fighting the fight for you! I know you deserve all of the glory, but did you allow me to send out that video of your magnificence and then let all of the defense around me subside!!? Why did I have to relive that? Why did I decide to share that just 5 days after finding out my divorce is final? Why did I have to remember a new incident of stolen money just yesterday!? I don’t want people to be able to relate to my story! I don’t want anyone to care. I want to be invisible again.”

I sobbed all of the way home…dialing numbers of those who provide comfort (wishing I had windshield wipers for my eyeballs).

My Nana had called to forewarn my mom who met me at the door with Kleenex and hot tea when I arrived home. 

It wasn’t until I got up to my room…falling in a heap on my floor that I screamed, “He doesn’t even care enough to send me an angry letter about being divorced!!!! Why, mom!? He just doesn’t even care!”

There it was. The root of my pain. He doesn’t care. “He” not referring to my rescuing Father, but to my now ex. Granted, I have no idea what he is thinking or feeling and I have not allowed him the space to express it because it has not been safe…but that does not keep my aching heart from crying out and wondering…and aching.

You see the truth is…God has begun a miraculous work in my heart. It has been truly amazing and beyond my wildest hopes and dreams to find the comfort and security in Him and my own skin that I have in the past 6 months. 

But He is just beginning…the work it yet to be complete. Grief is a son of a gun. My heart fickle and fragile. My brain tricky, messy, and complicated. My tears: dear friends and simultaneous traitors and martyrs. 

Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for those of you that have loved me so hard since I shared. Thank you for reading. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for seeing courage and spreading courage. I don’t regret that. Thank you for being a friend. For whenever and however your pain has come in the past, is present, or comes again…I hope that you find comfort. I hope that you have friends who will listen to you sob on the phone without haven’t the slightest idea how to respond, loved ones to meet you at the door with hot tea, a pup that will allow you to use him as a (snotty) pillow…and a Heavenly Father…who (although He doesn’t often show up in the form of a giant, awesome, body pillow as my client and I voiced our desire for Him to do) He does not ever leave. He does provide healing and comfort. He does not give us an easy fix. He does not snap His finger and take it all away…but He does begin the slow and tedious process of taking all of our broken, jagged, shattered pieces of a heart and life and piece them into a miraculous mosaic more beautiful than words. 

::hugs:: …to you, yes…even you.

Cheers to spreading courage. #courageepidemic

To catch up on what’s been going on around here…check out this post.