Merci. Gracias. Thank you.

I’ve been sitting here working on thank you notes for over an hour. As my pen slides across the page checking another name off of the list I cannot help but become excruciatingly aware of how inadequate my words are. 

I’m sitting at my desk in my mother’s house. Safe. Cozy. Loved. My phone plays my most favorite latest project–a chill yoga playlist. (For when I start teaching. It’s amazing in case you were wondering.) The sun streams in from outside warming my arm. Crystal blue water stirs beneath my window as my baby brother (who is not so much of a baby anymore) hangs out in the pool with his friends. My knee aches because I went to take a kick ass boxing class with a super friend this morning followed by a 5 mile run (which she ran the entire time and I almost did the entire five miles running. ;)). I look around me…my furniture purchased for a different life, in a different home, shared with a different kind of love beautifully decorates the room in which I sit. My bookshelf holds all of my favorite authors. Through the doorway dances my favorite summer scent and I spy twinkly lights in my room that is now welcoming and cozy. 

My phone buzzes and it’s my bffl flaunting some delicious-looking chocolate concoction in my face. I smile because I miss her and I’m happy that she’s happy. She deserves happy. She carried my broken heart for a long time. I miss her hugely though. But our hearts are intertwined. Her spirit dances with mine even from far away. I am grateful. 

Next to my list of people to thank is a list of people, debt collectors, banks, etc. that I owe money to. On another day I would be overwhelmed by that list. But today is not that day. No, today gratitude has taken up all of the space there is in my heart. No room for worry, angst, or resentment. 

I freaking graduated grad school. I made it. I accomplished something that I questioned my ability to do on more days than I had confidence I could complete the task at hand. My heart is broken, yes. But that is all. My body works well and I even have money to buy foods that nourish it. Bonus. My feet carried me on an awesome run. My arms and fists punched the crap out of that bag this morning punishing it for the cruelty of others. My family hasn’t abandoned me. My family loves me unconditionally…and showed me that truth. I lost part of my family that I thought I would be joined with forever…but they dumped me. And God continues to heal me from that. He had also begun to restore the rift in my relationship is my sister. A beautiful story of redemption. 

I was rescued. God grew my wisdom exponentially over the past few years and continues to do so. For whatever reason…God continues to bless me. He brought me through. And so did you. You, out there. You who read and gave and prayed and sent love letters and letters of compassion. You brought me through.

My words are poorly inadequate to do thank you justice. I could not possibly say thank you enough or big enough or loud enough or proper enough. It would never be enough.

But if you’re here, I hope you know how grateful I am for you. You helped bring me through.

Many of you gave to my hopemob fund and no one allowed me to know who they were. I can’t believe it. How completely unselfish and humble of you!!! I wish I could hug each and every one of you, kiss you on the cheek, and let you see the gratitude in my eyes. 

Alas, I cannot…but I hope you know. I pray you know. I pray when you least expect it my spirit collides with yours on a rainy day and you feel lighter allowing my spirit to carry a little of your burden off.

To you, I love you. Thank you. 

“In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it’s wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.” 

{Elizabeth Gilbert}