The healing journey.

I rode Mercury on the road the entire trip! No sidewalks for us today. ::high five:: Yes, we rocked it…despite my bruised and aching lady parts. I may begin to embrace the whole calloused idea. Ouchie.

Class was amazing. I love learning. I love {and hate} being confronted by myself, my ego, my pride, my heartache on my mat. For whatever reason {some very logical, easily explained reason if you know anything of yoga}…there was where I found myself today; my truest, deepest, most secret self. And when I found her I found her scared. 

This girl who you’ve watched trek across the country, meet lots of new people, quickly make friends, embrace adventure, and love the act of living well. This same girl is scared. That bitch, fear, just won’t go away completely. 

Scared of failure…failure that the lies I’ve believed in the past might actually be true; failing this whole “yoga adventure.” (What if I’m a shitty instructor?) 

Scared of the risk it takes to be here. Alone. Out of place. In unknown territory. I haven’t taken many risks in the past. So to cash in my risk-taking V card on this trip is quite the experience. 

Scared of…simply not being enough. The lies tell me I wasn’t enough in the past, how could I be now? What has changed? Has anything really? Who am I to have this grand adventure across the country that is actually good and amazing and filled with new goodness and awakening and healing?

I’ve been hanging out by the PCC and now my new favorite coffee shop all day…reading, contemplating, getting completely lost in my own thoughts. That’s a scary place though–alone in my thoughts. If I’m not careful, lies can swallow me whole. 

Here’s what I know to be true though…these are emotions. They do not define reality, nor do they define who I am, neither do they create truths. They simply are. They do give me information. This is where I am. Still on the journey to wholeness. The healing journey.

{Side note: my phone wanted to change “wholeness” into “whiteness” …hmm. I wonder what kind of journey that would be. ;)}

A dear, wise friend gifted me Emily P. Freeman’s book, “A Million Little Ways: Uncover the art you were made to live” before I left town.

Today…as I sit in my pool of joy, fear, contentment, excitement, shame, freedom, etc…I read this:

And here I am. My greatest desire to live out the art I was created to be and to love courageously, joined in holy union with my Creator, my Designer, the one who spoke rhinoceroseses, flamingos, penguins, red pandas, bubble bees, and daisies into being. He made me. So that makes me pretty damn awesome…even when my emotions lie to me. 

My computer background reminds me that nothing great ever comes out of comfort zones. {And holy shit am I out of my comfort zone!!!}

So for today…I allow myself to feel where I am…still so broken and wounded by my past. But I cling to truth and know…this is how it’s supposed to be. It’s not a risk if it isn’t scary to some extent. 

So I’ll acknowledge fear and nod my head to shame. Today I won’t scream and stomp my feet. I won’t swear and throw punches. I’ll just acknowledge them and remind them that they’re not fooling me. I know. I know their place and their lack of truth. 

Being brave is a risk. The very definition of the word tells us this truth. But entirely worth said risk.

B. Brown writes, “Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”

So if my greatest ability to glorify God comes out of the core of who I was designed to be…I have a choice to make. I choose to be brave, to show up, to be seen. Because the glory of God is hidden in me if I am hiding from the world or from my emotions. So today…I am real. I am hurting. I am scared. I am reminded of the ways I have been shamed in my past. AND I am brave. I am fearless. I am confident. I am loved. I am beautiful. I am the courageous one. 

I choose not these things. I choose authenticity. I choose joy. I choose happiness and LOVE. Love. Love. Love. 

I love you, world. I miss you, Atlanta. 

~~~~~~~

What do you choose today? Will you be brave? Will you be seen? 

Most importantly…will you be kind and loving to yourself?

I hope so.

I love you.

XO