15 Jul You are worth more…
I hate money. I despise talking about money. It seems so unnecessary and painful. So many conflicts and so much heartache over pieces of paper…and we give them so much power and control over our lives.
Coming to Seattle was not a fiscal decision. It was the following of my heart and a risk taken–calculated and prayed over, but a risk nonetheless.
I have said–multiple times–on the settled side of chaos that I would choose to worry no more. I have seen time and time again in my life when I listen and pray and follow…God comes through. I’m not talking about magic or pennance or earning something from God. I’m simply talking about the faithfulness of God. (Even in cases of money.)
On Sunday I had a mild panic moment where I processed through the fact that the little “spending/living off of money” I have is dwindling quickly after arriving here in Seattle. It’s just expensive. I had a panic moment because I am not working–as such is impossible while in this program–and I have no job lined up for when I return home…and, honestly, I am just plain and simple running out of money…quickly.
I said outloud the truths that I know: “You are taken care of. You are not alone in this. You have been and will continue to be provided for. You are worth more than many sparrows and aren’t the sparrows well taken care of? You have seen yourself be fully provided for many times. Do not worry. Do not fear. He has you. You are his. He loves you and cherishes you. You are already taken care of.” And I left it. I have had the conversation with friends and family and continue to just “put it out there” that I am trusting…what else is a girl to do?
Well Monday–today–was crummy. I was homesick today…the fatigue catching up to me. I had a fleeting moment where I simply wanted to jump the next flight to Seattle and smell the aromas of my home and feel the sloppy went tongue of my favorite pooch lick me to death. I didn’t run though…I stayed. I breathed. And I atuned my attention to the reality of where I am and the adventure that I am on and the amazingness of it all….and breathed until it was no longer overwhelming.
The rest of the day was enjoyable yet uneventful…until Dawn arrived home with the mail in hand and I had received an incredibly kind letter with a check from a friend. Her words were: “I hope that you will accept this not as a kind thing from me but really as a blessing from The Lord…”
I ran out of the house, the walls seeming too little to contain the beat of my heart as it swelled in my chest and threatened to burst entirely.
Tears streaming down my face I collapsed on the sidewalk and was prompted to open my Jesus Calling–which I had flippantly forgotten to read this morning.
“Keep walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance light-footed on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life.”
I cried for a moment and sighed a quiet, “thank you.” What other words are there to say?
Now before you go discrediting or minimizing my story let me just admit that this amount of money didn’t make me rich…or the rest of my trip “in the green” so to speak but that isn’t what I needed today. That can come tomorrow or the next day…or the day that I need it. In fact…it has little to do with the monetary value of the piece of paper in that envelope.
For today I needed to know that I am seen. That I am important and that I am being taken care of. And that? …well that is exactly what I received.
To my friend…thank you for your obedience. To my God, thank you for seeing me better and more lovingly than anyone.
“You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” {Psalm 16:11}
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