I’m In LOVE.

The question inevitably arises after major heartache: “will I ever love again?”

There was talk and jokes–okay, mostly jokes–about me falling in love with some beautiful yogi while in Seattle by friends and family before I left. “No way, Jose,” I said, “I am definitely not there yet. Not even close. Technically single, but not on the market. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.”

Is it clear where my head and heart were at? In case you missed it…the end of June marked the one year anniversary of getting him into rehab and our separation. One year. I may be a lot of things but gullible enough to believe that one year is enough time to heal (while working part-time, interning part-time, and going to school part-time for most of that time) is something I am not. I was not ready, nor was I pretending to be.

I set an irrelevant, yet important date on August 23, 2013–“I will not date for an entire year.”

I had neither the intentions or desire to do so, but I needed a safeguard. I needed a safeguard incase my flesh kicked in and I decided that taking out my heartache on some poor, rebound guy would make me feel better…at least I had an oath to God and myself in which to cause pause before my doing so.

Moving towards healing has allowed me the space to process thoughts like, 

“Will I ever trust anyone again?” 

“Will I ever trust myself again?”

“Do I know how to be in a healthy, intimate relationship with a man?”

“Am I too awkward for dating?” {Yep.}

“What if I do not actually know how to date?” {I don’t.}

“What if I die alone?”

“What if no one wants me?”

“What if–even worse–only losers, unmotivated, boring, unhealthy men want me?”

“What if I am actually not interesting?”

“What if I’m boring?!!”

….and the list goes on as far as the eye can see. When the only thing you’ve known is an unhealthy, abusive relationship sorting out the answers to these questions can be tricky.

As I have allowed myself to process these things sometimes my mind wanders. Okay, truth, a lot of time my mind wanders. I have an artist’s brain, I cannot help it. I conjure up absurdly wild, adventurous, romantic scenarios sometimes. Other times, I simply want amazingly practical and God-fearing. One never does know what will happen when you venture deep into the mind of me.

I want the faith and steadfastness of Job, meets the the quiet integrity of Mr. Darcy, with a flare of Duckie, and a little Zack Morris mischievousness, and the devout belief in love of Corey Matthews.

And, while I’m making demands, the hair of Matthew Macconaughey and the body of McSteamy…hmmm, shall I go on? Or are you all already picking up your phones to call me because you know just the guy? 😉 

I’m kidding…mostly. 

Tonight as I was running in my favorite spot, watching the sun set over the lake, I pondered…“Will anyone ever write me love notes? ::pause here for dramatic eye roll about my inner 11-year-old that I will not apologize for:: Will there be a man who thinks I am simply adorable? Will I meet–and trust–a stand-up gentleman who just wants to do life with me…and have fun doing it? Who thinks I’m something special?”

{In case you missed it, those up there, that list, it’s much closer to the real one.}

There are currently three songs that I rock out to while running:

Ed Sheeran “Sing”

One Republic “Feel Again”

Gavin DeGraw “Best I Ever Had”

I do not pick them. They pick me. Well, maybe my legs really pick them. They just know what makes them go…and dance. It works out.

I was right in the middle of dancing/running my way through “Feel Again” for the third time when it dawned on me, a truth I have known before, a truth I know, but seem to easily forget…

There is a man who has written me love notes. There is a man who believes I am simply adorable. There is a gentleman who just wants to do life with me. He also makes grand gestures of love…every. damn. day.

Jesus. Father. Holy Spirit. 

What!?

I know, radical thinking going on over here. 

I am so worth loving! Just ask Jesus. 

Simplistic? Maybe. Does it fill the space next to me at night? No. Does it secure my identity, fill my heart, and make me a whole, happy, secure, content woman not lacking in something to go try to find in a partner? 

Hell, yes.

When I embrace this truth and allow it to penetrate down to the innermost chambers of my being-put-back-together-out-of-hard-casts-and-into-braces-and-physical-therapy-but-healing-still-kind-of-guarded-but-excited-for-adventure-even-if-a-little-hesitant heart…life changes.

It is only from this spring board that I have any hope of answering “yes” to any of the above questions, most assuredly to, “Will I ever trust anyone again?” or “Will I ever trust myself again?” Only from this place does that opportunity grow.

Okay, big deep sigh of relief. I can rest now.

I like to believe that I am getting smarter. I tell myself God is not wasting his time on me by doing all of this work on my brain and my heart. I am convinced that it is not all for nothing; that, in fact, it is worth some great something I have yet to be let in on.

Just some thoughts…

~~~~~~~

    the winter rains are over, gone!

Spring flowers are in blossom all over.

    The whole world’s a choir—and singing!

Spring warblers are filling the forest

    with sweet arpeggios.

Lilacs are exuberantly purple and perfumed,

    and cherry trees fragrant with blossoms.

Oh, get up, dear friend,

    my fair and beautiful lover—come to me!

Come, my shy and modest dove—

    leave your seclusion, come out in the open.

Let me see your face,

    let me hear your voice.

For your voice is soothing

    and your face is ravishing.

{Song of Solomon 2:10-14, MSG}