sinking deep

I finally cried yesterday.

It took the majority of the day for me to allow myself to get to a place where I was willing and able to “just let go” and allow the tears to flow. 

I was in the shower, which is painfully ironic because the shower was my hiding place for those few shorts months I spent in that apartment with him.

Yesterday was our would be anniversary. Two years…and we never made it to the first. Someone asked me a couple of months ago, “what do you call that date? Your ex-anniversary? Your date that doesn’t mean anything and yet means everything?” It was a great question.

I guess I decided on “would be anniversary” because it is not an anniversary, yet it is very much so. 

~~~~~~~~~

It is incredibly interesting to me the way the mind, body, and spirit play together. I have been crazy hating on myself for the past couple of weeks. I mean it has been brutal. Yesterday I decided that my body and subconscious were deeply aware of the approaching date that reminds me both of my deepest “failure” and greatest betrayal and rejection. Yet…I am no longer here or here…but I am neither joyfully here.

Healing is a journey. There is no direct, easy path to healing. Healing takes time and the glimpses of sunshine come and go. Some days you just have to sit under the clouds and let you heart weep. Other days you can dance in the sunshine even though your heart hurts. And still other days you may even forget for a minute. The power of the pain, the circumstances, the event slowly lose their grip. It takes time. This we know.

One of my favorite songs right now is “Sinking Deep” by Hillsong Young & Free. Holy Moly. Do yourself a favor and go listen to it. NOW. Like RIGHT NOW. What are you waiting for? Go! I’ll be here when you’re done.

There is a line–which you now know–that says this:

“All fear removed, I breathe You in and lean into Your love…

Your love so deep is washing over me.”

This combined with my favorite line from Crowder’s “How He Loves,”

 “If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking.”

have really gotten me thinking lately.

Through this life. Through the ups and downs and the happys and sads, the days of gray and color. Through it all…

I want to drown.

I want to sink so deep that my lungs fill with grace. I want to choke on grace. I want to lose my breath on grace. I want to freaking die {to self} in grace. 

I want to sink all the way to the bottom so that the light from the Earth’s surface that casts shadows of fear, insecurity, and screams the “you’re unlovable” lie is merely an after-thought and I am consumed by whatever light or color is the depth of grace.

That is where I want to stay. 

Sometimes though, in my humanness, I think I find myself kicking as hard as I can, striving to get back up to the surface. 

Why? “WTF, mate?” you ask.

Well, we are creatures of comfort and for this recovering perfectionist comfort looks like hiding and fear and smallness; not stepping big into the arena of life.

{But authentic me LOVES stepping into the arena of life, daring greatly, and living bold. But sometimes…you have to go back to the root to heal and then step back out. You…me…we must be gracious with ourselves.}

Grace. Unconditional. No strings attached. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make God love you MORE OR LESS kind of grace. 

Well…the perfectionist in me panics and does not have an clue what to DO with grace. 

Which is exactly why a friend of mine popped this into my inbox today:

Galatians (the message)
“….Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you ….” 

Shit. 

So again…I remind perfectionist, little bitty over there to calm the F%$* down and BREATHE.

You know what I mean?

Any other legalism, perfectionism recovery friends out there?

~~~~~~~~~~

{Standing here in your presence
In a grace so relentless
I am won by perfect love
Wrapped within arms of heaven
In a peace that last forever
Sinking deep in mercy’s sea}

….let’s drown, yes?