07 Jan an argument for daring greatly
i sat in the floor and continued to stare at my nails. the course grating from the file suddenly seemingly annoyingly loud, but not loud enough to drown out the voices that were now booming overheard.
i continued to let my eyes stay down, not in shame. no, certainly not due to shame like so many times in the past. this time it was because i had set my boundary. i would not engage in screaming matches no matter how hard any family member tugged.
i sat and listened, feeling that fear, angst, anxiety rise as my fingers required more and more focus to do the task at hand.
this wasn’t going to end well. that had already been made quite clear.
i knew something needed to be said and they had both come into my space…but it was going to be scary. i was most definitely, maybe, probably going to be chastised and shamed in some ways and most certainly completely misunderstood…but the question very clearly became:
was integrity worth it? was vulnerability worth it?
. . . . .
a few days later i sat in the car with a friend. it was clear that there had been a misunderstanding and feelings were hurt.
it would be easier to ignore, stuff it down, and move on…though the long car ride questioned the wisdom of such a decision it could relatively easily be done.
i felt the same angst rise i had just experienced a few days before in an entirely different situation.
was integrity worth it? was i worth it? was she? was this friendship worth it?
the fracture in communication was so minute we both could have both let it slide and not thought {much} about it.
but here’s the thing about life and relationships…multiple minute fractures eventually equate to a gaping chasm that is sometimes irreparable.
. . . . .
we have already established that being vulnerable is h-a-r-d.
none of us enjoys feeling butt-naked in front of people whom we care about or, even worse, who we want to like us.
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.
Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable,
but they’re never weakness.”
{Brene Brown}
that day, in the car, my friend and i had a conversation which i might venture to say was monumental.
{and monumentally awesome.}
for the first time in a long time…i saw what daring greatly, showing up in the mundane, and being courageous with your life looked and felt like.
we are all aware of my affinity for B. Brown so do not take this the wrong way, but I may disagree with her…vulnerability doesn’t feel like courage. unless courage feels like fear. which one day i may make the claim that it does. {or maybe that day is today?}
because vulnerability feels exposed. it feels risky. it feels scary.
what if i’m the only one that shows up? what if the other person i am trying to grow closer to will not join me in the authenticity fight?
and that shit is scary.
pride and ego know what’s up and they will use all of their best moves to convince you to run for your life.
so maybe courage feels scary. i think that’s what makes it, well….courageous.
it took about 35 minutes for us to hear each other and explain where we had been coming from and to understand how “emily just doing emily” had hurt my friend and vice versa.
it was awesome. after the dust of our conversation had settled, i looked at her and smiled, “that was some serious kick-ass conflict resolution.” and then we had a dance party and my love, understanding, and connection to her is deeper than ever before.
the first conversation is yet to be resolved and the three people in the room…well, i am confident that none of us feel better, braver, closer, or more loved.
let’s do ourselves a favor and acknowledge that…
no one wakes up and thinks, “today i’ll let my emotions, pride, or fear get the best of me and poke a few holes in my integrity and the girth of my most favorite relationships.”
…but, sadly, it happens.
all. the. time.
allow me to say to you…feeling vulnerable and being freaking courageous with your life, your heart, your integrity, and who God made you to be…is awesome.
it might not feel awesome for the moment that it’s happening, when you have to tell pride to beat it and let your heart be raw.
but in the end…vulnerability grows connection and connection increases understanding…
….and understanding makes room for more love….
…which you could not convince me you have too much of.
“To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees – these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace.”
{Brene Brown}
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