january disappointments

last weekend i was in florida with a friend.

one afternoon we were frolicking on the beach–and i do mean frolicking, it was perfection–when rain clouds began rolling in. we didn’t want to go in yet; we were having too much fun. 

but then, not out of nowhere the bottom completely fell out and what began as a a drop on your foot, a drop on your head sort of rain, within seconds turned into a torrential downpour. 

it was amazing.

the kind of can’t see, cold and warm, hard rain that only florida knows how to deliver well. the kind of rain that makes you do weird things like throw a towel over your head…for what? protection? fashion appeal? you are not escaping that h2o, baby. 

it was one of those moment where all excuses are gone and the only answer is to close your eyes, look up, and enjoy. then laugh-cry your way home. 

epic goodness.

now it’s january eighth.

i’m home. my friend made it back to the west coast. and it’s cold.

how are your resolutions going? have you eaten sugar again? bought that thing you wanted even though you weren’t spending money for the next  six months yet? felt disappointed or defeated?

probably not…you’re rocking it, i know.

but let me just confess to you…i am not rocking it.

this first day of the second week of january and I am feeling disappointed and deflated.

throw in a case of lady hormones and it’s time to call it quits. someone get me a punching bag and some tissues and probably some chocolate. i am currently more cliche than a country love song.

throw in some lonesome feelings and a hound dog and i have a chart topper on my hands, people.

december was a high. it always is. Jesus’s birthday. my birthday. new years eve. so much family and friend goodness and travel…and do not even get me started on the food. oh! 

the food.

that is all.

. . . . . . . . .

“expectations are preconceived resentments.”

chew on that Nana goodness. you can stick it in your back pocket and pull it out when you need it.

you will need it.

yesterday i needed it because it dawned on me that i have been mad at january. 

with the emotional steadiness of a kid’s yellow floaty bobbing in the middle of an ocean storm, my disappointment with january came as a realization about as subtle as that florida storm.

has that ever happened to you: you plan, pray, and then expect something to happen…and then it doesn’t? …and then you pout and get all huffy with those around you or, even worse, with God?

probably not…but in case it ever does…here me out…

my friend said to me the other night. 

“emily, nothing has changed.”

nothing has changed. not my circumstances. not my plans, my dreams, my desires. 

and certainly, most importantly, not God.

but i wanted and expected something to change and be different. but it hasn’t.

so now i’m pouting. like that kid who lost her floaty.

perspective changes everything.

decmeber…i was hopeful, joy-filled, confident, positive, and just like the beach on a warm, sunny, cloudless day.

january comes and my emotions are out to lunch leaving only resentment, disappointment, insecurity, and grumpy behind. {read: storm clouds. rain pounding. grrrrrr.}

but. nothing. has. changed.

Hebrewes 13:8 {msg}

maybe you need to hear that.

God is always totally himself.

even when your emotions take a mind of their own and you get a little wacky.

even when you squeeze your way into the driver’s seat for a minute and take a wrong turn or drive too fast and get a speeding ticket.

[wouldn’t that be kind of cool? when God gives you speeding tickets for moving past His plan for you when you’ve ignored Him and plowed forward? …if only a speeding ticket were all it took.]

i needed to hear that.

i needed to hear that just because things haven’t gone my way doesn’t mean God’s forgotten about me. 

i needed to be reminded that just because i chose to have tunnel vision, momentarily clench my fists closed…my actions change nothing about God. 

God still holds my tiny, little life gingerly in His mighty, strong, and awesomely purposeful plan.

and yours as well.

i hope your january is living up to all you hoped it would be.

{and if it isn’t that you have a whole lot of grace for yourself…and january. it cannot help the expectations and pressure you put on it. calm down.}

cheers to old lessons when they become new lessons.

…and grace that is ever abundant. 

“i have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start.”

j. b. priestley