a letter to the hurting self

I don’t write well when my energy feels
all bumfuzzled and conglomerated.

In fact, I don’t think well or feel
very well either.

Sometimes my brains turns on me. Have
you ever felt that way?

You know the true things. You know the
facts, but your emotions (and the associated brain control center
with them) hijacks your brilliance and wisps you off into the the
worst version of your Never Never Land that you can imagine?

Well…my brain has been hijacked for
the past few days and I had some things to tell you, some good and
great things, but some times plans change. And tonight is not for
lessons or stories…just a simple love letter of the ugly beauty of
my heart + authentic brain mush.

I hope that if your brain has turned on
you like mine has, that you find some solace in knowing you’re not
alone here in this mushy brain space.

dear self,

you are awesome. no really. stop
rolling your eyes at me. stop covering your face. you’re allowed to
cry. i know you don’t like it right now. but i’m not judging you. you
stop judging you.

i love your tears. they are so freaking
genuine and real and raw. i just can’t get enough of them. keep them
coming. you know what they’re telling me? you’re alive and life is
teaching you! isn’t that awesome!?

i know, you don’t feel like it’s
awesome do you? lessons hurt like a bitch sometimes, eh? i know. they
really do. it’s just not fair. and that’s okay.

 you can be mad that
it’s not fair today.

you can be mad today that sometimes you’re misunderstood, you’re misrepresented and that leaves you feeling lonely and foolish. it does not mean that you actually are alone and foolish though. you are living and living is risky. it’s okay that not everyone gets & likes you. in fact, you know you prefer it that way…mmm hmm. i know. 

hey. you know how you’ve been
overwhelmed by pictures in magazines lately for no reason other than
Satan has you under attack because we know
the great places you’re heading? you know how you’ve been mad at
yourself, wondering if you’re just another hypocrite for feeling the
pressure to be thinner, to have more bones sticking out, to indulge
in less chocolate, to fit less snuggly into your jeans? you know how
you know those are all lies but you still feel the feelings anyways
because you simply can’t control feeling?

stop,
looking at me like that. i am trying to make a point here. i know you
know…but i just want you to hear me
say it so you can hear how ridiculous it is, just for a good
reminder.

remember—again—all
those people you look up to and admire: it sure as hell isn’t for
their six packs and tricep muscles. KK? they are brilliant, they love
ferociously, they have abounding courage.

and
so. do. you.

sweet
girl, let yourself off the hook. stop punishing your body for things
that are out of your control. all of these health things you are
dealing with (again, i know, still sucks) are lessons. look at how
amazing you’re doing! you have been such a champ along this journey!
and are still going strong!

all
that grace and compassion that you dole out for others around
you…can you please show yourself some?

stop.
stop it. no, i am serious. stop hiding your face again. stop saying
you’re not worth it. stop saying you are not worth feeling worthy of
the compassion and grace!

emily
lorin, you absolutely know that is some Satan bullshit being
whispered into your ear.

you
are worthy of feeling ALL OF THE FREAKING FEELS and worthy of them
all being validated.

the
fear, the loathing, the doubt, the power, the strength, the lonely,
the happy, the giddy, the proud, the awesome, the anticipation, the
sadness, the worry, the confusion, the abandonment, the
not-good-enough…you are worthy of allowing yourself to feel
all of them…

but
you are worth even more than that: you are worth feeling the feelings
and telling the ones that lie to hit the road because you are worth
more than lies, more than the sneaky whispers in the dark that tell
you you are unworthy of such a calling, such a dream, or such a
freaking pant size.

btw,
your pant size has absolutely no impact on your ability to be worth
and/or achieve all that you are going to achieve. 

{although, baby got
back, girl, 

and mama ain’t mad at that, okaay?!}

ah,
see…now you’re smiling. i love it when you do that, when your eyes
sparkle and your nose scrunches up.

YES,
you are beautiful. YES, this life is wrought with challenges. NO,
this is not at all the way you planned things to be. but YES, it is
amazing, it is purposeful, and it is freaking magical and meaningful.
YES, you are making {and going to continue to make} a really big deal
of a difference!!

rest,
sweets. you’re fighting big battles these days…God’s got it though.
you’re allowed to find your bed now.

i love you with a love that is bigger than you can imagine & that
you are absolutely deserving of…and when you wake, i pray you allow
that you wash over you, to pull you under, and into the arms of grace
where you know and feel

you
are enough

you
are held

you
are safe

you
are magnificent.

love,

wiser
you.