Gratitude

This time last year…I was supposed to be having the most splendid, beautiful, joyful, and love-filled holiday season of my life. Newlywed + the holidays = AWESOMENESS. Right? Well…that wasn’t the case. As many of you have already discerned (and written to me about because you are the most awesome friends, family, and readers a girl could ever have)…my marriage fell apart before it ever even began. Remember back in July when I told you there was a story to tell? Well…that reality remains the same, but again, it just isn’t for today. Needless to say addiction and abuse robbed me of my marriage. (We’ll talk more about that later.)

This time last year…I was scared, miserable, confused and overwhelmed as to why I felt so awful as a newlywed. This time last year…I was being manipulated and tricked and lied to. This time last year…my life was the opposite of what I had dreamed. This time last year…my life was scary; my whole world was scary.

So this year…this obnoxious, crazy, and terrible year of 2013 I have made it my mission to redeem this last bit of the year by upping the holiday cheer. We’re talking cheer and merry on steroids, people. Dang it.

For the last two months of 2013 I have implemented… ::drum roll::

Operation Restore Christmas Spirit 2013! (:hashtag:ORCS2013)

It began last weekend when my mom and I went to see a local production of “A Very Grinchy Christmas.” Hehe…if you’ve been around for long at all you know how much I adore that snarly, green man (especially of the Jim Carey variety). We dressed up, got lost, saw a show, and shared Chick-fil-A late at night. It was splendid.

Last weekend also included Samaritan’s Purse Shoe Box shopping and box stuffing. (Lesson learned #1: My mom is super awesome and amazing.) (Lesson learned #2: If your mom is one of your good friends and all of a sudden someone has caused that relationship to be severed, I implore you to check your relationship. Mamas know best most of the time.)

We baked banana nut bread, watched cheesy Christmas movies with new friends, and drank hot tea, hot chocolate, and wine by the fireplace. (Not all at the same time though…because that would be weird.) Also…I put twinkly lights up in my room, people. TWINKLY LIGHTS! You know the scene in despicable me when the little girls squeezes her newly won stuffed animal and screams, “It’s so FLUUFFFFY!!!?” Well…that’s how I feel about twinkly lights. So decorate I did. And they are not seasonal. This is not a point to be argued.

This has been my feeble and brave attempt to mend my heart, my spirit, to rid away bitterness, and to grow gratitude. It has worked a lot of days. Some days it hasn’t. Some days I feel like myself again, but other days I end up curled up in my grandmothers bathroom sobbing. You win some and you lose some. I no longer aim for 100% or perfection. Simply having some good days and some successes is a win.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving day. I absolutely love Thanksgiving. Next to Easter, it is my favorite holiday. I try to maintain a spirit of gratitude everyday…not because it’s easy or I’m a robot that only produces positive emotions or because I’m a saint…but simply because God says to. He also says that He’s got it and we can rejoice in that…so sometimes that is all that gets me through the day.

A friend wrote to me the other day, “…if it feels like death it’s bringing life.” I pray that if you have felt death or grief this year–in whatever form–that you feel life in new ways this season.

This year the thing I am most grateful for? Being safe and secure in a home filled with people who love me wholly. Safety. Love. Security. Things we take for granted. But not me, not this season. I am grateful. I am grateful for my Savior. I am grateful that He redeems. I am grateful that He rescues and saves. I am grateful for life. I am grateful for life to the full. I am grateful for winter winds and dancing leaves. Cold, red noses and cozy scarves. Warm apple crisp and fresh pumpkin bread. The chattering of family and the squeals of kids playing.

I love you all. You are amazing. Thank you for joining me here in this little corner of the universe. I am grateful for you. I hope your holiday is filled with too much food, a spirit of humility and servitude that allows you to open up your heart and feel love and be loved in a way you never have before. I hope your hearts and bellies are full. I hope your eyes are open to all that you have been blessed with, but not blind to the pain of the world that we can all help to mend in little ways.

Love, hugs, gratitude, and a fresh slice of pumpkin loaf from me to you this Thanksgiving.

xo, E